Today, I hurriedly forced all my clothes into one suitcase, a messenger bag, and a laundry hamper and went back to Hamline.
The night before, I had quite an interesting evening. A couple of old friends came over, and we watched some movies, had some laughs, and, most importantly, patched up an incredibly long-fought falling-out of 2008. However, it was a new year, and new start was immanent. We attended a party afterward at a friend's house, which was mostly pleasant.
The unfortunate thing about being raised for twelve years in private Catholic educational institutions was the upsetting tendency to make pleasantries the bulk of inter-social communication. The well-rehearsed "Hellos" and "How-do-you-dos" were ever so artfully punctuated with wide smiles, polite nods, and forced (but cleverly naturalized) chuckles and chortles. Those unversed in the Stepford-wifey nature of private secular education could be easily lost, overwhelmed, and rendered utterly witless by the sheer level of unbridled pretentiousness that permeated the air like a thick London fog. I'd traversed this world on my own for years. I was rusty, having been beyond the reaches of my academic roots for so long, but I scrambled around the empty pleasantries with some success and found my way to some sincere friends.
Amidst the chaotic throng of (hypothetically) painted grins, there were a few gems of genuine smiles for me at the party. I found Kylene, and we congregated with those of us who genuinely cared about each other around the couches. We sat, we discussed, we laughed our truest laughs, and we tried our best to ignore the crowd of oddly familiar strangers we never really knew for the past four years.
When we left, I was sad enough that those particular genuine smiles would be long gone from my sight, but I was overwhelmingly relieved that I'd not have to see anyone from the old life for a long while yet.
But after spending a little time back here... I don't feel quite settled. My closest friend on campus tends to make very solid plans, which gradually become more tentative as she becomes more and more distracted. My ex-boyfriend's shallowness just keeps becoming more and more profound, and one of my neighbors, bless his tiny, selfish little heart, becomes more and more unsettling on my nerves.
I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered, in a sense. It's like I'm being pulled in all sorts of directions... There's my home life with the family, my academic and social life at Hamline, my old life at my private secular high school, and my old friends who can't always be here... four different directions.
And, despite the possibilities, I'm not entirely sure that I'll ever belong back where I was, and I'm not certain that I'll ever find peace in the places to which I will eventually go.
It's a little lonely.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds horribly frustrating. I hate being pulled through different social settings all the while wondering why I can't always be the same person or why everything doesn't always fit right. Atleast you realize who is sincere and who isn't. There are people who are fake and don't actually matter in your life who you don't have to have a care in the world for while you spend your time knowing that everyone else genuinely likes to be a part of your life. So while you're with your shallow ex, or anyone else that bothers you, just remember that there are people standing behind you who care and it doesn't matter which group we are in or where we fit in any social setting, it's our ideals that put us all into the same category. We are genuine. We are real. We are your friends. You can find us in all four groups, so which ever direction you find yourself facing, you know that one of us will be there to face it all with you.
ReplyDelete((This is the same comment as before, but it was riddled with so many typos it was almost uncomprehendable. For the most part I can't fix any of it and it bothers me. XD))