Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Oh my, lookee here...


Seven-ish hours of piddly-widdly, mouse-clicking fun.
Just for you, sweetie.

I really gotta get that tablet...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Lady of the Cafe

I learned today that I am a hypocritical jerk. I'm very much embarrassed about what I am about to share with you, but for the most part I am dreadfully ashamed.

Today I came into work at 4pm. My new coworker was there, and we got to hang out for an hour. She's a sweet girl, who always has a smile on her face. I've never heard a single negative thing out of her mouth, and I don't think it's possible either. Mari and her mom came into to visit during the hour as well, we chatted a bit and I prepared her order. After Mari and her mother took their seat, and old woman came up to the counter and I recognized her immediately.

It's no secret that a lot of crazies come to the cafe, and this woman was no exception. I remembered serving her once before in where I had to discuss with her and help her figure out which of the omelet sandwiches she wanted. We only have two, one with sausage, one with spinach. She insisted that she ordered sausage las time but was given something else, and it tasted really good and that's what she would like. Sounds simple right? Obviously she had the one with spinach. Well, the conversation took 15 minutes regardless until she finally ordered the spinach and took her seat. After she took her bite, she proceeded to exclaim quite loudly that it indeed was the right sandwich. "THANK YOU! This tastes amazing! Oh my gosh, this is great. THANK YOU, this is the one! Mmmmmgrh!" All from the very back of the cafe, the other customers looked around at her as if she lost her mind. I remember being quite amused, but also slightly put off with her craziness.

This time, when she walked up to the counter, I fully expected her to be that way. The transaction took awhile, but it was mostly due to her being slow at figuring things out. She'd want a Coke, and I would tell her we did not have fountain drinks, so I would offer a root beer instead. She'd want a cup of ice cream to make a float, and we had to find out what the price was. Either way, the transaction was painless, and she walked back to her seat, the same one she sat in the back of the cafe the last time we met.

All was well, Kamila and I were goofing around up front. But than you hear a loud "Aaggaghr!". I know who it is. I'm sure I know what it's about. I stare forward and pretend I didn't hear it. "hey". I don't hear anything, at least that's what I'm convincing myself. "Maam!". *Sigh*.
I walk over and she's having trouble with opening her root beer, I tell her it's a twist off. She asks if I can help her with it, so I begrudgingly agree. "I tried to get it off, but it cut my skin, look!" She showed me, it hadn't bleed and I didn't really care, especially since I was cutting my own hand in the process of opening her drink. Walking back to the cafe, I of course made a face that can only be translated as-" Omg this bitch is crazy". Kamila laughed a little, and I whispered to her the entire story from last time.

Later, Kamila was cleaning up, and the crazy lady began talking to her. I didn't know what she was talking about, it didn't matter, I was busy shooting Kamila wide-eyed looks of crazy horror and laughing at her misfortune.

When Kamila returned, we ran into the back to talk about what had just transpired. Good Kamila, innocent Kamila, whispered to me quite embarrassed what the lady had said. "She said she lost her fake teeth at McDonalds." She giggled and I broke out laughing. I kept on laughing even when Kamila was finished, and I was loud. This lady. She was crazy.

We were both out front now, and the lady called again. "Maam." Wide-eyed again, I'm amused because I'm being such a jerk, and ignore her again. Kamila can't hear her either, but she isn't pretending. "Girls!" I mutter an expletive, and pop my head up with a smile. The lady asks if we had seen what was on her shirt and bag. Both had patriotic 4th of July United States on them. She told us she got each for only $3 at Walmart. I feigned interest, and Kamila nodded. She said she always told the kids about good deals, since we work so hard and money is hard to come by. I agree. And before she can say more, I run in the back again and laugh at her ridiculousness. But I am alone.

Kamila leaves for the night, and it's just me. Another one of my coworkers visits with me, before he is called over by the lady. I'm curious, and also amused that her craziness is now reaching someone else. He comes back over to get a comment card for her, they talk for 20 minutes. I'm horribly curious now. I'm waiting, I want him to finish up and tell me about her craziness so I can laugh at her expense some more. My supervisor is shelving books nearby, and unwilling to make fun on my own, I walk over to her and tell her that the lady sitting over there is CRAZY. My supervisor is intrigued and walked over briefly, listens to their conversation for a second than comes back and agrees with me.
More time passes, and the lady is walking over to me. She hands me the comment card and says, "He told me to give this to you. He said you would know where to put it. It's my idea." I nodded and smiled, I told her I'd give it to my supervisor. She told me I could read it if I wanted. I simply nodded, thinking to myself how silly she must be to think her crazy idea could possibly mean anything to me and wondered if perhaps she wanted the satisfaction of having such a good idea I'd read it and proclaim how wonderful a genius she was. "I promise I will deliver it for you." She looks at me, and I don't know whether she is skeptical or slightly disappointed that I did not read her idea nor did I care too.

Of course I am curious, I spent the entire time waiting to see what her crazy idea was so I read the comment card. It was a bit illegible at parts.
I come here a lot for your great coffee I look at the photos of Seattle,
the people in the boat; think, "I'd love to go there"-
Then I got this idea for your company-to increase business have a
drawing for a paid round trip ticket to Seattle via entrance so then someone could
see your coffee plant.
((Yeah fucking right. This lady is crazy))
I'm on disability so I don't have the money but would appreciate the chance in
a raffle. I want to be able to put a red umbrella in my cup too-I've struggled thru
the years from a head injury, but now I am alright so enjoy seeing and doing things
I never could before and I love your coffee.
Thanks <3
Linda
(she leaves her contact information)
I immediately feel sick. My chest clenches up and my blood runs cold, I feel my body tense, and that horrible feeling well up in the pit of my stomach.
Here I was, judging a person I did not know, thinking the things I thought, saying the things that I did...all the things I hated. I was the very essence of everything I detest about a person who passes judgement on others. I never thought to consider this lady's story, never thought there was a reason for her slow take on things or her strange speech. I simply wrote her off as crazy and laughed at her. Really, nothing makes me more ashamed of myself than to admit this.
Reading her comment card doesn't feel like it could be that much of an impact, but I realized that she was just like me in certain aspects. It sounds like she wants to escape to a better life. Think, she had been struggling previously, saw the pictures and thought of how beautiful a place Seattle is. A beauty that probably can't be found in her life now, she wanted to meet that beauty, she's filled with the overwhelming desire to make that happen. She wants to do things that she could never do before, she wants to finally enjoy her life and live her adventure the way it was meant to be, the way she always wanted it to be. I respect this, and admire anyone who thinks this clearly about their own destiny. It didn't matter if she won...the simple chance of being able to go was all she needed, the thought of it being a possibility was enough. God, why did I have to act that way?
When did I become such a sadistic bastard?
I watch her now, and I see that she is chatting very animatedly with a few of the other customers. I look and notice that they are smiling and nodding with her, but they aren't being fake. They are genuinely interested in what she has to say. Why couldn't I be like that? She is telling them stories, and some times they draw close together, looks of shock appear on there faces, some look concerned. They talk for hours. I imagine that she is sharing some life changing story, sharing some deep and profound wisdom. Perhaps she is relaying her struggles and how her outlook on life is vastly different now. Maybe she is teaching them new things they never thought of before. Possibly, she is in the process of changing their lives.
I want her to change my life too. I want her to have a positive impact on me. I wonder why I didn't listen to her before. Why didn't I give her a chance? Would I have acted the same way toward Socrates if he had arrived and begun asking his strange questions? Would I have let him open my mind?
She and her listeners leave while I'm occupied in the back. I never got a chance to smile, wave, wish her a good night. Never got to tell her I would be sure to get her comment card delivered. Never got to say that I liked her idea.
So I took the comment card with me when I clocked out. I was going to give it to my supervisor. I was going to make sure that she at least had the chance for her idea to reach someone else because that would have been enough at least.
She arrives and I hand it too her. I tell her it is from before, I was asked to give it to her because I didn't know what to do with it.
"From the crazy lady?" My supervisor takes it and reads the first 5 lines that I did when I wrote off her idea originally. "Pfft. Yeah. All this lady wants is a free trip."
My supervisor looks at me, than she rips the comment card in half.
"Yup. I just did that."
I'm silent. I don't feel a thing. I stressed and thought about what was on that comment card all night.
If I wasn't so eager to make fun of her to other people, my supervisor wouldn't have dismissed the card so easily. She probably would not have read it, or perhaps she would have finished it and had been touched. But no, I put it in her head that this was coming from a crazy lady. My mouth and my bad attitude ripped that card in half. Still numb.
"You can just go, I don't need to check. If you steal anything I'll shoot yah."
If I could only be that lucky...there it was. I broke my promise for starters, but most of all I stole away Linda's chance at escape, I stole her chance of experiencing beauty. I think I deserved to be shot.
I failed the test, Trung.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Love versus Life

AGAIN, AT THE PIZZERIA

A couple weeks ago, I found myself sitting outside at a table under an umbrella at a Neapolitan Pizzeria in St. Paul with my high school government teacher and a couple of my dearest TG friends. There, we discussed the nuances of life, love, and all those tender moments in between that make us want to live each one coming more passionately than the one before it.

The most colorful topic, however, was the topic of love versus life. When push comes to shove, and when adventure calls when love comes a-knocking, can you really have both?

ME AS MYSELF and HATING TO LOVE… LOVE

Now, I am the eternal secretly hopeful romantic cynic. I find public displays of affection unforgivably nauseating, and I want to kick in the doors of every hotel room with a “do-not-disturb” sign swinging from its knob just to wreck the mood of the intimate couple within… Purely out of jealousy, of course. I hate those things because, try as I might, I cannot find myself in any of those situations in such a way that makes me happy. The childish little imp inside of me takes over my mind and wishes with all its mischievous might that it shall have what it wishes, and God forbid that others should have what it cannot!

My outwardly harsh opinion of all things emotionally sweet and tender greatly conflicts with my inward desire for an innocent, blossoming romance… one I can witness from its conception to its budding and to its blooming. I wish that I could be a friend, then, without noticing, fall haplessly in sweet, sickening love and that, out of some strange and uncharacteristically merciful twist of fate, that love would be returned. With that odd conflict between what I convey and what I inwardly hold to be true, it’s not a wonder that I find myself in the midst of an identity crisis.

This does not, however, hinder my observations of the world as it is.

ADVENTURE ON THE HORIZON

My former teacher, and an involuntary role model to all of us, shared that perhaps her most obvious regret was putting her relationships over her sense of adventure.

In that way, Sophia, my dear, you are going about this in absolutely the correct way. Now is when you should be off having adventures of a lifetime! You will see many things, grow as a person, and become the most complete person you can be without ever having to rely on the support of a lover.

I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE… AND I CAN’T GET UP.

What happens so often in higher education is that kids get together and “fall in love,” and that becomes the beginning of the end. It’s a belief of mine that when people deliberately come together too quickly and too soon, there is a need for security that overwhelms a call to adventure. Someone with, perhaps, a more dismal lot in life would choose security over adventure because adventure tends to be, in and of itself, a risk that some feel they cannot afford to take. The emotional toll would be too great, they say. And with that, they settle down without ever putting themselves out in the world to see all that there is to see.

Isn’t that a sad way to be? I won’t try to knock on the lucky bastards who fall in love young and stay that way for as long as they can, but I can’t help it. They suck, and I’m jealous… but being unattached allows for you to make your own decisions.

But I take comfort in the fact that going overseas won’t break my heart because I won’t be leaving any piece of myself behind with some silly person. I relish in the thought that I can go anywhere and not feel the full force of distance because there would be no other half of me to put a stretch of distance in between; I would be an independent agent of my own desire to learn and to explore! I feel that we should all take the opportunity to explore what we may without feeling the pull of anyone we might leave behind.

THE MYTHICAL ROMANCE OF HAVING IT ALL

And then there are those hopeless romantics who think they can have it all. Some believe that they can fall in love, be totally committed, and then go off and see the world and trust that everything will be all hunky-dory at home.

From what I contend, and from what I have heard from those far more experienced than myself, commitment doesn’t happen in youth. I actually think it takes years of commitment and trust to be able to stay grounded to each other when you are both separated by the molten core of the planet. Others say that, even then, it’s never a sure thing. People are fickle nowadays, as they have always been. We fantasize about a romantic past wherein true, committed, faithful love existed, but total devotion was as much a myth then as it was now. Back in the day, the responsibility of devotion fell to the woman; the man, however, could run about, dancing and romancing all willy-nilly without a thought to honoring the love and loyalty of his wife. If he becomes a cuckold by her, though, all hell would break loose on the poor lady.

As much as I hate to admit it, true mutual fidelity is sort of… revolutionary. That’s why we’re shocked when it happens (and, yes, I do believe it can happen), though it may not happen very often.

But how long can you be with a person before you can leave him or her alone and expect that he or she won’t be creeping around looking for some action, especially when all you can do is trust that he or she won’t do that out of the naiveté of your own heart.

The truth of the matter is that… you can’t expect that. You can expect him or her to need the attention you cannot give while you are away, and you can expect that there can be others who can fulfill that need.

WRAPPING UP THE PACKAGE

So now you’re almost 19. Now, you’re getting ready to face the world and learn what it has to teach you, but all your friends have decided they have fallen in love. And since they have fallen in love, they don’t need anything other than the love of their partners forever and always.

I don’t think you should feel like you have to follow this trend, Sophie. If you happen to stumble upon something so strong that you can call it love, I’ll support you always.

In the meantime, there’s no need to fall in love because, contrary to popular belief, love happens beyond the teen years. People are in danger of falling love every year of their life until they die, and even then I can’t say for sure what happens.

But, honestly, go explore and have adventures. You can find wholeness in yourself. You don’t need to consider yourself a half-Sophie looking for her other half.

I think you’re a whole-Sophie by yourself, and I do so love all whole-Sophie as such.

WTF

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