Unbeknowst to some, I actually do think. I have many strange insights floating around in my head that I never actually quite flesh out. But now, as a treat to my insane train of thought, I will be acknowledging all the little messy details of thought that go on in my mind. This is the span of 2 hours in the morning during classes...
"Perhaps when I get old and near death I should clone myself. Therefore, I will not die but will be reborn. I can ensure that I will live forever on this planet as I choose as long as I wish for my clone will no doubt feel the same. I would leave behind a diary of thoughts, ideas, and everything in my life that I have ever learned so that I may pick up where I left off and continue to know everything I can possibly know. I am the past, present, and future. I will forever walk this world. She is me and I am her. Forever. Immortality yours."
"Am I an agent of evil?"
"Starvation. If people are starving that tells me one thing. There are not enough resources to support a population of that high of a density. So what do we do? We carelessly feed and support them in the acts of "Good" thereby dewindling our own resources in the process. Than what happens? The people who have no resources and were straving in the first place continue to breed and multiple causing what remains of their resources to all but dry up. So what do we do? We continue to feed, and pamper, and breed them. Oh no. We are running out of resources. Our people are straving as well as the rest of the world runs to our aid as we live, and breed, and make more mouths to feed of the little we currently have. Until the world eventually collapses of over population, we see it as "good" to save the lives of a few where we single-handedly took full responsibility of the demise of our world. Horrible to say, but we have to let those people starve. Or everyone will. If they don't have the resources, that means those people shouldn't be alive, and by keeping them alive we are only setting up more people to die in the long run. We are only hindering ourselves and them. Not helping."
"If everyone gets to live, what makes life so beautiful?"
"I find beauty in despair. As compared to the cheeky smile of a well dimpled face do you get the same reaction of a hopeless tear streaming down a defeated demeanor. I see passion in loss. A regret and recognition of what was once there, value."
"I could die at any given moment, which makes this second all the more worthwhile than the one before."
"I want a little evil in this world. It makes my strength and choices all the more powerful in opposition."
"We can't police the world or even hope to stop all the bad. It needs to come apart on it's own. If the world falls it falls. It is what it is destined to do."
"I want to be here when the world ends. I don't want to miss the show."
"Would I help it along? What is my purpose in the cosmic chess game? Do I take the queen or am I being checked?"
I've never actually written any of my random musings down before. I kinda enjoyed that. I should do it more often.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Quest for Immortality
"If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present." -Tractus; Wittgenstein.
Call me Gilgamesh. Or perhaps King Arthur. Even Voldemort would do. No no, Phoenix has a nice ring too it.
There are so many fictional accounts and tales of immortality. But are they not satisfying?
Vampires, Elves, Davy Jones, Wolverine, Sion.
None of these are ever seen as fulfilling.
When presented with the concept of immortality we are shown the repercussions, the negative connotations, the greed and selfish desire of one journeying to become immortal. We see the pain one has to experience as they live through to many sad experiences to ever outway the good. To live out all of your loved ones, to watch them die and leave this world where you stay firmly rooted. Sometimes we see immortality used a punishment, such is the case when considering Greek gods being chained to a rock and having his eyes and liver pecked out by crows (I may be incorrect. I don't feel the need to fact check this at the moment. I'm just bloggin' anways.)
But above all we see immortality as a desireable deadly thing. When everything is weighed against the other, any normal person would surely choose to die with their loved ones and not experience an eternal prison on earth forever.
But than you have many religions such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, etc. That believe in an afterlife. Possibly not experienced in the human form.
Well this is not good enough!
Do you know what I think heaven is? Nothing. It's what you make of it. A paradise? And people are so quick to debunk the exsistence of Shangri-La? First off, I've been known to conclude that there is no welcoming party at the pearly gates, or this great big judgement. No. We all know where we are going. If you have a nagging fear in the back of your mind that there is a possibility that you may go to hell than perhaps that is where you will be. We know right from wrong, if you feel that your actions lead you one place or another, they will take you where they lead you. How is it that one person can kill an innocent un-armed citizen and feel a pass to heaven because they did not mean to do it? Perhaps it was an accidental misfire, or an incorrect assumption that lead to a sudden reaction that resulted in death? But than we have someone intentionally killing another innocent un-armed citizen and we condemn them to hell? It's all what you make of your own motives.
Moving on, I'm still in the process of questioning exactly where I go when I leave this place forever. Heaven or hell or rotting in the ground. Are these really the only options? I don't think I believe in either one. I DO believe that the universe never wastes anything. Nor can energy be created or destroyed. This means, my energy will go somewhere. What is my energy than? Is that my soul? My concicousness? It is it this special building block of life that is passed around throughout the known universe to live in whichever form it takes in the next life? Honestly, I think that when I die, I will obviously loose human form. And with that all of my memories and accumulated knowledge and skills and everything I worked my entire life for. Everything that I love about being a human being living on Earth surrounded by the beauty of human knowledge and the geographic accomplishments of our mother planet. When someone I love on this planet dies...I really do think that is it. They're gone from me. I can't meet them across the planes of exsistence. They have moved on. Forever. And so will have I. There is no party waiting for my arrival up on cloud 9 eager to see me again. Unfortunately, this thought depresses me far more than anything I have ever considered in my entire life.
What I'm trying to say exactly is that I DO NOT WANT to give up my human life. Not. At. All. Simply put, an estimation of 80+ years of life is not good enough. And oh my lord, what if I were to loose my life in some freak accident? I can not tell you how pissing angry I would be. Maybe if the sun supernovas, that was me. I have to die of old age or no dice. I don't want to leave this world at all, but I will not accept leaving prematurely. No no no.
This causes me to view things with a hightened sense of, "What the fudge monkeys are you wasting your life for? Who cares if your boyfriend dumped you. Who cares if Stephanie Meyer isn't going to write Midnight Sun anymore. Who cares if people used to make fun of you in elementary school? Who cares if you were attacked in 8th grade causing a downward spiral in your social life as hate and anger fueled your sick and twisted outlook on life actually causing you to contemplate the taking of your own life on many occasions? WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR YOU FOOL! Did you not even understand that you have something that is SO PRECIOUS you can't even enjoy it for all eternity? Oh boohoo, High School was sooooo hard. I'm not going to do my homework because I feel like I'm not going to make it past this life. Boohoo. Cassie is a crazed druggie who tries to kill herself on many occasions, tell me why you tried to cut yourself again? Why was this your problem? How in the hell did you actually think ANYTHING was a good idea? Whew. Almost lost you there sport.
So. Trivial human things. Piss on the lot. So what if you failed one test. So what if you can't get a date. So what if you're love sick and lonely. So what if you have no money. SO WHAT. Atleast you're living. And once I'm off this damn planet I'll be mighty jealous of you. So when I'm presented with problems such as these, I just can't take it too seriously. You know why? Because I'm going to go out and live my life that's why. I'm not gonna sit here and dwell on silly things. There is an answer to all of these worries. It's okay you failed that test, you can make it up later Ace college, major in your desire, do something with your life; It's okay, you'll get a date someday; Again, toughen up, you don't need another person's love to fulfill your life in the now, you won't be lonely one day; It's okay, one day you will get money.
With this all past in consideration, it's time to now get to the real reason I even started writing this throw-up of a blog. (Clearly, I have to many ideas swimming around in my mind to adhere to coherent structure).
Immortality.
Yes, I suppose one could put the dots together after I've stated quiet openly that I do not wish to leave this planet. And I'm not going to. Nope. I'm going to stay behind. My one life goal that I need to achieve before I'm recycled again in the planes of reality; I will achieve immortality.
That's right. I'm going to pull an Achilles. I'm going to last forever as an everlasting footnote on the soils of the Earth. I'm going to be remembered. And do you know why? Because that is the way I would have wanted it...if I can't remember my human life, than everyone else will in the hopes that one day if I do return, I will see myself in whichever form I take in memory and know of a human who obtained their strive for exsistence.
Of course, I have a lot of time ahead of me (Or I damn well better >.<) to figure out just how I'm going to approach this feat. I do know that I want to accomplish just deeds that will earn me the right of an identity forever. What these will be specifically can only be determined within time.
You know what they say...the journey is more important than the destination. The journey being my entire life ahead of me, which will prove to be quiet an interesting trial.
So strap on your seat belts folks, I'm about to take you all on a ride.
Call me Gilgamesh. Or perhaps King Arthur. Even Voldemort would do. No no, Phoenix has a nice ring too it.
There are so many fictional accounts and tales of immortality. But are they not satisfying?
Vampires, Elves, Davy Jones, Wolverine, Sion.
None of these are ever seen as fulfilling.
When presented with the concept of immortality we are shown the repercussions, the negative connotations, the greed and selfish desire of one journeying to become immortal. We see the pain one has to experience as they live through to many sad experiences to ever outway the good. To live out all of your loved ones, to watch them die and leave this world where you stay firmly rooted. Sometimes we see immortality used a punishment, such is the case when considering Greek gods being chained to a rock and having his eyes and liver pecked out by crows (I may be incorrect. I don't feel the need to fact check this at the moment. I'm just bloggin' anways.)
But above all we see immortality as a desireable deadly thing. When everything is weighed against the other, any normal person would surely choose to die with their loved ones and not experience an eternal prison on earth forever.
But than you have many religions such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, etc. That believe in an afterlife. Possibly not experienced in the human form.
Well this is not good enough!
Do you know what I think heaven is? Nothing. It's what you make of it. A paradise? And people are so quick to debunk the exsistence of Shangri-La? First off, I've been known to conclude that there is no welcoming party at the pearly gates, or this great big judgement. No. We all know where we are going. If you have a nagging fear in the back of your mind that there is a possibility that you may go to hell than perhaps that is where you will be. We know right from wrong, if you feel that your actions lead you one place or another, they will take you where they lead you. How is it that one person can kill an innocent un-armed citizen and feel a pass to heaven because they did not mean to do it? Perhaps it was an accidental misfire, or an incorrect assumption that lead to a sudden reaction that resulted in death? But than we have someone intentionally killing another innocent un-armed citizen and we condemn them to hell? It's all what you make of your own motives.
Moving on, I'm still in the process of questioning exactly where I go when I leave this place forever. Heaven or hell or rotting in the ground. Are these really the only options? I don't think I believe in either one. I DO believe that the universe never wastes anything. Nor can energy be created or destroyed. This means, my energy will go somewhere. What is my energy than? Is that my soul? My concicousness? It is it this special building block of life that is passed around throughout the known universe to live in whichever form it takes in the next life? Honestly, I think that when I die, I will obviously loose human form. And with that all of my memories and accumulated knowledge and skills and everything I worked my entire life for. Everything that I love about being a human being living on Earth surrounded by the beauty of human knowledge and the geographic accomplishments of our mother planet. When someone I love on this planet dies...I really do think that is it. They're gone from me. I can't meet them across the planes of exsistence. They have moved on. Forever. And so will have I. There is no party waiting for my arrival up on cloud 9 eager to see me again. Unfortunately, this thought depresses me far more than anything I have ever considered in my entire life.
What I'm trying to say exactly is that I DO NOT WANT to give up my human life. Not. At. All. Simply put, an estimation of 80+ years of life is not good enough. And oh my lord, what if I were to loose my life in some freak accident? I can not tell you how pissing angry I would be. Maybe if the sun supernovas, that was me. I have to die of old age or no dice. I don't want to leave this world at all, but I will not accept leaving prematurely. No no no.
This causes me to view things with a hightened sense of, "What the fudge monkeys are you wasting your life for? Who cares if your boyfriend dumped you. Who cares if Stephanie Meyer isn't going to write Midnight Sun anymore. Who cares if people used to make fun of you in elementary school? Who cares if you were attacked in 8th grade causing a downward spiral in your social life as hate and anger fueled your sick and twisted outlook on life actually causing you to contemplate the taking of your own life on many occasions? WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR YOU FOOL! Did you not even understand that you have something that is SO PRECIOUS you can't even enjoy it for all eternity? Oh boohoo, High School was sooooo hard. I'm not going to do my homework because I feel like I'm not going to make it past this life. Boohoo. Cassie is a crazed druggie who tries to kill herself on many occasions, tell me why you tried to cut yourself again? Why was this your problem? How in the hell did you actually think ANYTHING was a good idea? Whew. Almost lost you there sport.
So. Trivial human things. Piss on the lot. So what if you failed one test. So what if you can't get a date. So what if you're love sick and lonely. So what if you have no money. SO WHAT. Atleast you're living. And once I'm off this damn planet I'll be mighty jealous of you. So when I'm presented with problems such as these, I just can't take it too seriously. You know why? Because I'm going to go out and live my life that's why. I'm not gonna sit here and dwell on silly things. There is an answer to all of these worries. It's okay you failed that test, you can make it up later Ace college, major in your desire, do something with your life; It's okay, you'll get a date someday; Again, toughen up, you don't need another person's love to fulfill your life in the now, you won't be lonely one day; It's okay, one day you will get money.
With this all past in consideration, it's time to now get to the real reason I even started writing this throw-up of a blog. (Clearly, I have to many ideas swimming around in my mind to adhere to coherent structure).
Immortality.
Yes, I suppose one could put the dots together after I've stated quiet openly that I do not wish to leave this planet. And I'm not going to. Nope. I'm going to stay behind. My one life goal that I need to achieve before I'm recycled again in the planes of reality; I will achieve immortality.
That's right. I'm going to pull an Achilles. I'm going to last forever as an everlasting footnote on the soils of the Earth. I'm going to be remembered. And do you know why? Because that is the way I would have wanted it...if I can't remember my human life, than everyone else will in the hopes that one day if I do return, I will see myself in whichever form I take in memory and know of a human who obtained their strive for exsistence.
Of course, I have a lot of time ahead of me (Or I damn well better >.<) to figure out just how I'm going to approach this feat. I do know that I want to accomplish just deeds that will earn me the right of an identity forever. What these will be specifically can only be determined within time.
You know what they say...the journey is more important than the destination. The journey being my entire life ahead of me, which will prove to be quiet an interesting trial.
So strap on your seat belts folks, I'm about to take you all on a ride.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Please Mister Wonka, teach me how to draw?
Grah. Since my less than subtle obsession with Resident Evil started up (AGAIN) I've found enjoyment in whoring myself out to random internet sites/forums in search of an RE fix. The best place to get a quality fix? DeviantArt of course! There is so much wonderful heepfuls of humor at my disposal, plenty of LeonxAda love (<3 <3), MEMES!!!, and AMAZING skillz that I wish I had.
(As we speak, I'm putting together an REsident Evil playlist on Itunes of songs that remind me of RE...I'm even spelling it REsident Evil now for cripesake!)
I should be left in a padded room with everything RE for a couple of weeks...until it wears off you know. I'll give it...uh, well. Last time it took until I completed Resident Evil 4 and a week of overjoyment to pass after. Now with Resident Evil 5 on the horizon on March 13th...GOOD LORD I hope I've calmed down by then. I NEED too.
So here comes my point.
I really really really feel like drawing. (RE of course, but whatevs.) And looking at all of the wonderful works on Deviantart makes me want to be just as good. I want to go out and buy a tablet! What in the name of Salazar (Squee! RE reference! Halp mee...) would I even be able to do with it? So not the point! So yeah, which comes to a pressing issue with my "Talents."
I cannot draw freestyle. I need a reference. I need a picture in front of me, most likely in the exact pose/style I need. Sometimes I'd take pictures of myself to use as reference material (HAHAHAHAHA Laugh with me. It's hilarious because I can't do the right pose I need anyways. BWAHA) so anything that I've drawn that is actually good isn't actually mine. Not really. It wouldn't have been an original concept, not my idea, etc. Only the actual pencil to paper could be credited to me. How depressing. For some reason I cannot get a clear enough picture in my minds eye. I'll know EXACTLY what I want, how I want it too look. But when I think about it, all I see is a hazy blurry picture. I can't see any exact details, I can't see it clearly at all. Therefore the transfer from my mind to the paper is of poor quality and a horrible deteriation of the original idea. Which causes me to give up, throw it away, and wish wish WISH that I could be good at drawing. Sometimes the same thing happens to me when I get an idea for writing. I'll be talking myself through the most amazing writing in my head, but once I hurry and find something to put it all down on it's gone. Especially if I grab a notebook and attempt to write it down, my mind works to furiously and everything is lost in translation. And I give up. Running theme eh?
So, I've been trying different techniques....mostly trying to do the outline or sketching where I want things to go before I actually start drawing. I used to flat out REFUSE to do anything like that when I was much younger, but when I got a Disney character drawing guide in Disney World and drew out my mom an AWESOME Mickey Mouse. Than much later I drew the perfect Goofy which is now in her office at work. (Unfortunately I didn't get to scan that one in). I've also tried tracing as well, which makes me feel horrible, but it helps me get the general feel for the strokes I need when drawing. Other than that, I don't really know what else I should be doing to improve. Just keep drawing? I know I got really good at drawing in Sophmore year because of Drawing 1 and now that I haven't drawn anything in forever I've lost what little touch I did have.
So my question is Oh Mr. Guru of the arts, how did you get so good? Or was it just natural born talent? Or was it a combination of both? (I'm thinkin' this one.) Or is it impossible to work for something you have to be born with?
I'm totally going to cyberstalk a bunch of cats at DeviantArt too and ask them bunches of questions, or I could check out the forums. GAH
I cannot draw.
>.<
(As we speak, I'm putting together an REsident Evil playlist on Itunes of songs that remind me of RE...I'm even spelling it REsident Evil now for cripesake!)
I should be left in a padded room with everything RE for a couple of weeks...until it wears off you know. I'll give it...uh, well. Last time it took until I completed Resident Evil 4 and a week of overjoyment to pass after. Now with Resident Evil 5 on the horizon on March 13th...GOOD LORD I hope I've calmed down by then. I NEED too.
So here comes my point.
I really really really feel like drawing. (RE of course, but whatevs.) And looking at all of the wonderful works on Deviantart makes me want to be just as good. I want to go out and buy a tablet! What in the name of Salazar (Squee! RE reference! Halp mee...) would I even be able to do with it? So not the point! So yeah, which comes to a pressing issue with my "Talents."
I cannot draw freestyle. I need a reference. I need a picture in front of me, most likely in the exact pose/style I need. Sometimes I'd take pictures of myself to use as reference material (HAHAHAHAHA Laugh with me. It's hilarious because I can't do the right pose I need anyways. BWAHA) so anything that I've drawn that is actually good isn't actually mine. Not really. It wouldn't have been an original concept, not my idea, etc. Only the actual pencil to paper could be credited to me. How depressing. For some reason I cannot get a clear enough picture in my minds eye. I'll know EXACTLY what I want, how I want it too look. But when I think about it, all I see is a hazy blurry picture. I can't see any exact details, I can't see it clearly at all. Therefore the transfer from my mind to the paper is of poor quality and a horrible deteriation of the original idea. Which causes me to give up, throw it away, and wish wish WISH that I could be good at drawing. Sometimes the same thing happens to me when I get an idea for writing. I'll be talking myself through the most amazing writing in my head, but once I hurry and find something to put it all down on it's gone. Especially if I grab a notebook and attempt to write it down, my mind works to furiously and everything is lost in translation. And I give up. Running theme eh?
So, I've been trying different techniques....mostly trying to do the outline or sketching where I want things to go before I actually start drawing. I used to flat out REFUSE to do anything like that when I was much younger, but when I got a Disney character drawing guide in Disney World and drew out my mom an AWESOME Mickey Mouse. Than much later I drew the perfect Goofy which is now in her office at work. (Unfortunately I didn't get to scan that one in). I've also tried tracing as well, which makes me feel horrible, but it helps me get the general feel for the strokes I need when drawing. Other than that, I don't really know what else I should be doing to improve. Just keep drawing? I know I got really good at drawing in Sophmore year because of Drawing 1 and now that I haven't drawn anything in forever I've lost what little touch I did have.
So my question is Oh Mr. Guru of the arts, how did you get so good? Or was it just natural born talent? Or was it a combination of both? (I'm thinkin' this one.) Or is it impossible to work for something you have to be born with?
I'm totally going to cyberstalk a bunch of cats at DeviantArt too and ask them bunches of questions, or I could check out the forums. GAH
I cannot draw.
>.<
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Fiction is always better.
I always become far more attached to a fictional romance involving other people rather than my own relationships. Is that weird? I don't care if I'm with someone as long as my canon couple is going strong? Okay, I think it's really weird.
Unfortunately for me I wish so desperately to be in a powerful affair such as the few that I wish to emulate. But than why would I want to be? The relationships I most enjoy fangirling over aren't easy, not even close to perfection.
Here's a few of my favorite relationships and short youtube videos for reference of their epicness.
Brooke and Lucas (Brucas) from One Tree Hill
The first link is the best video example, but apparently cannot be embeded so it needs to be viewed on Youtube itself. It can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbjdNP3hGAw
And there needs to be another one, just because. There is so much Brucas love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB0WLif577Y
There is a lot of drama that surrounds Brucas, and it's sort of funny because real drama irritates me and I don't care to hear about it from friends either. I guess the whole low down with Brucas goes like this:
-Brooke and Lucas go out season 1.
-Brooke's skank of a best friend and Lucas cheat together. Repeatedly.
-Lucas dumps Brooke
-Brooke finds out about the ongoing affair. Alla Brooke is basically on her own because everyone LOVES Lucas and Peyton (Skank best friend) even if they are morally incorrupt and Brooke is alone.
-Season 2 starts and Lucas falls in love with Brooke but can't do anything about it.
-Brooke feels the same way but she is afraid of getting hurt again.
-There is just this They are able to love each other without the other being aware and without acting on there feelings. It's just so great.
-Before Brooke leaves for the summer, Lucas kisses her unexpectedly and Brooke gets scared of the way he makes her feel.
-Season 3. Brooke comes back but won't actually commit to Lucas because she's scared he'll cheat again and she'll be heart broken.
-Eventually after Lucas gets rather irritated and crushed by Brooke she lets her gaurd down and they get together.
-Love ensues.
-Lucas' uncle gets shot in a school shooting and Brooke takes care of him. They grow even stronger.
-Than of course, Brooke's skank of a best friend confesses she loves Lucas out of nowhere and Brooke gets out fast.
And guess what. Brucas aren't together now and probably never will be again. It's been 3 seasons and I'm literally dieing from a heartache minus my Brucas. It's horrible. Seriously, you read the above and they don't sound special AT ALL! But...they just have this amazing chemistry on screen.
Btw, Brooke is totally my HERO. So is the actress who plays here. Sophia Bush. She's gotta pretty kickass name ;) and I wish I was that pretty.
MOVING ON!
Ada and Leon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6fr34Lftjw&feature=channel_page
(I really wish I could just embed videos here.)
Sure you have to watch the first 2 minutes of an old video game where graphics are crap and voice acting is horrendous but it's a nice little backstory. The rest of the film is just...I don't know, it feels like even that movie can't show how much is there. (Prolly cuz you're missing all the dialouge)
Ada and Leon have this love/hate relationship and they've got the whole Taka and Olgren thing from Last Samurai in where they have strong feelings for each other but have never acted out on them. Ada is a secret agent, who to Leon, appears to be working on the wrong side (In reality, nobody knows what the fuck is going on with her and she's the biggest mystery in the RE franchise ^^) and they always get in each others ways. Throughout RE4 however, Ada is constantly protecting Leon and saving him in the background. And the thing is...Leon doesn't know half the time that Ada helped clear the way considerably so he could get his job done in one piece. She also left little anonymous letters for Leon throughout the game with little hints about things and a trademark lipstick kiss on the note. =) =) Ada was also ordered to kill Leon as well, but she refused and when the job was put to someone else she made she it never happened. I dunno, I'm totally inlove with Ada and Leon. Thing that I HATE about RE though is you don't get ANY information until a game comes out, and since these to cats have only been in RE2 and RE4 together, who knows when the next one will be. They aren't in RE5, but I would love a mention...but I doubt. *Fingers crossed for 6!* I want to know who Ada is really working for and if Leon will figure it all out.
Ada is also TOTALLY MY HERO! I wish I could be asian and gorgeous and kick major ASS all the time. Unfortunately, she's the unrealistic hero since she's also a secret agent battling Biological weapons and helping? a corrupt medicinal corporation known as Umbrella. Yeah, in my dreams.
Alright. That's my completely worthless blog. I do hope you read it and watched the videos though. I can't talk to ANYBODY about my fangirlisms on my favorite couples because no one understands....at all. So. I feel like a load as been lifted. =)
Doesn't help that I typed everything out like a fangirling noob either. XD
Unfortunately for me I wish so desperately to be in a powerful affair such as the few that I wish to emulate. But than why would I want to be? The relationships I most enjoy fangirling over aren't easy, not even close to perfection.
Here's a few of my favorite relationships and short youtube videos for reference of their epicness.
Brooke and Lucas (Brucas) from One Tree Hill
The first link is the best video example, but apparently cannot be embeded so it needs to be viewed on Youtube itself. It can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbjdNP3hGAw
And there needs to be another one, just because. There is so much Brucas love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB0WLif577Y
There is a lot of drama that surrounds Brucas, and it's sort of funny because real drama irritates me and I don't care to hear about it from friends either. I guess the whole low down with Brucas goes like this:
-Brooke and Lucas go out season 1.
-Brooke's skank of a best friend and Lucas cheat together. Repeatedly.
-Lucas dumps Brooke
-Brooke finds out about the ongoing affair. Alla Brooke is basically on her own because everyone LOVES Lucas and Peyton (Skank best friend) even if they are morally incorrupt and Brooke is alone.
-Season 2 starts and Lucas falls in love with Brooke but can't do anything about it.
-Brooke feels the same way but she is afraid of getting hurt again.
-There is just this They are able to love each other without the other being aware and without acting on there feelings. It's just so great.
-Before Brooke leaves for the summer, Lucas kisses her unexpectedly and Brooke gets scared of the way he makes her feel.
-Season 3. Brooke comes back but won't actually commit to Lucas because she's scared he'll cheat again and she'll be heart broken.
-Eventually after Lucas gets rather irritated and crushed by Brooke she lets her gaurd down and they get together.
-Love ensues.
-Lucas' uncle gets shot in a school shooting and Brooke takes care of him. They grow even stronger.
-Than of course, Brooke's skank of a best friend confesses she loves Lucas out of nowhere and Brooke gets out fast.
And guess what. Brucas aren't together now and probably never will be again. It's been 3 seasons and I'm literally dieing from a heartache minus my Brucas. It's horrible. Seriously, you read the above and they don't sound special AT ALL! But...they just have this amazing chemistry on screen.
Btw, Brooke is totally my HERO. So is the actress who plays here. Sophia Bush. She's gotta pretty kickass name ;) and I wish I was that pretty.
MOVING ON!
Ada and Leon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6fr34Lftjw&feature=channel_page
(I really wish I could just embed videos here.)
Sure you have to watch the first 2 minutes of an old video game where graphics are crap and voice acting is horrendous but it's a nice little backstory. The rest of the film is just...I don't know, it feels like even that movie can't show how much is there. (Prolly cuz you're missing all the dialouge)
Ada and Leon have this love/hate relationship and they've got the whole Taka and Olgren thing from Last Samurai in where they have strong feelings for each other but have never acted out on them. Ada is a secret agent, who to Leon, appears to be working on the wrong side (In reality, nobody knows what the fuck is going on with her and she's the biggest mystery in the RE franchise ^^) and they always get in each others ways. Throughout RE4 however, Ada is constantly protecting Leon and saving him in the background. And the thing is...Leon doesn't know half the time that Ada helped clear the way considerably so he could get his job done in one piece. She also left little anonymous letters for Leon throughout the game with little hints about things and a trademark lipstick kiss on the note. =) =) Ada was also ordered to kill Leon as well, but she refused and when the job was put to someone else she made she it never happened. I dunno, I'm totally inlove with Ada and Leon. Thing that I HATE about RE though is you don't get ANY information until a game comes out, and since these to cats have only been in RE2 and RE4 together, who knows when the next one will be. They aren't in RE5, but I would love a mention...but I doubt. *Fingers crossed for 6!* I want to know who Ada is really working for and if Leon will figure it all out.
Ada is also TOTALLY MY HERO! I wish I could be asian and gorgeous and kick major ASS all the time. Unfortunately, she's the unrealistic hero since she's also a secret agent battling Biological weapons and helping? a corrupt medicinal corporation known as Umbrella. Yeah, in my dreams.
Alright. That's my completely worthless blog. I do hope you read it and watched the videos though. I can't talk to ANYBODY about my fangirlisms on my favorite couples because no one understands....at all. So. I feel like a load as been lifted. =)
Doesn't help that I typed everything out like a fangirling noob either. XD
Thursday, January 8, 2009
FLABBERGASTEDNESS
Okay, so I should be doing Jewish Ethics homework, but my only joy and reprieve from my life are Sophie's pretty little blogs.
I HATE PEOPLE.
Kinda.
Not everyone, though, I suppose, but it's big enough to deserve an inconsiderately broad category... like a zip code.
So there's this guy.
I've told you about him before. He's that one guy, the one who liked me? That one. D-bag.
I'll tell you specifically who later.
But he's this philosophy major, and so he likes to debate and argue with people. He has self-esteem issues about everything but his intelligence, and I'm glad for that because he's such an egotistical douche-bag in any given conversation.
He's a smart guy, but he lives his whole life playing this caricature of a true idiot who loves to argue and piss people off for no good reason. It can start with anything, and he can invariably strike without warning. Anytime. Anyplace. Under any circumstances.
His way of thinking is foreign to me, so maybe I'm a little bit biased, but he's got this whole weird affinity for deliberately being "edgy." He sometimes makes nice little logical arguments, explaining his reasoning in a nice, relatable manner...
Mostly not, though. He usually makes huge, sweeping, pompous generalizations, followed by a statement at how stupid everything is but him. Last time, he railed on atheists.
"Atheists are so annoying. They always write all atheist shit and think they're so great because they don't believe in anything. They're so stupid."
WHOA. That was a horrible generalization of a group of people who have never done him any personal harm. I may not be the greatest judge of a person's intentions, but doesn't he just sound like a bigot?
Before that, he was railing on a movie I liked, "Amélie." I thought it was entertaining, and it appealed to my sense of style. Of course I didn't expect it to appeal to everyone. Everyone's tastes are different, after all, and so it's not a matter of quality unless it's practical. When it comes to entertainment, quality is relative. I will enjoy movies with cool-looking fight scenes, witty humor, sweeping romances, or all the above. I don't know what he likes, but he has no right to discredit my opinions. He does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
I can't even... I might have to blow off some steam about him in person because I am typing extremely furiously at the moment, and I'm half-blind with rage, exhausted from trying to keep it from other people, and it's almost four in the morning.
Because of his affinity for arguing, he has developed the most inconsiderate and unforgivably asinine habit ever...
So we'll be debating. I'll make a statement. He'll say it's stupid (like always... and he thinks this is the way to my heart?), and then he'll make a statement. Then I try to understand his statement. Then he does something similar... except not.
He'll tell me what I said. Except his version of what I said is totally different from what I really said. It's like he doesn't even listen to me! But it isn't that because I realized something:
In his pompous arrogance, he twists my words into an argument that is completely wrong just so that his argument will hold water. IT doesn't matter if anyone else is right or wrong, because if they're right, he'll pretend they said something ELSE to make it sound like they're wrong.
I.
Want.
To.
Kick.
His.
Face.
AAAAAAAAAAGH.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
From Espresso with Love
Epiphany time! But you have to read through some lengthy background first. (It should also be noted that I took 4 shots of espresso three hours ago...at 8 something o' clock. Good idea? I THINK NO! I'm shaking like a crack addict. XP)
Okay, I haven't share these with anybody yet because I get annoyed when people talk about these sort of encounters and complain about it. Like, Oh I'm just so damn hot that everybody wants me but I don't want them to right? Yeah, no one cares. Which is why I don't want anyone thinking I think that way because I DO NOT. Okay. You're confused. So am I. (Still shaking!)
Awhile back....in like....November? October? Uhhh. End of September MAYBE most likely October. (Am I spelling that right? Octobor. October.) ANYWAYWHOSIE. I used to go buy a comic and eat a burrito over at Qaodoba when ever I was on break. So one day, during my break (NOWAYZ) I went over to the comic section and this guy was standing there flipping through a batman comic called The Killing Joke. I had just bought it weeks ago and it was AWESOMENESS. So being a Borders employee, I told him that it was a really good comic, flashed my dazzling smile of dimple HUGE chinness, and continued searching for a comic. He didn't reply at first, and stuttered out a quiet "Yeah, I'm just getting into it." I nodded, kept looking, found an Indiana Jones comic, walked away, payed for it took my sweet old top chatting up employees, got checked out and was walking out the front door when this guy catches up with me. He goes, "Hey, my name is Grant by the way" and he shakes my hand. "So, do you wanna go get something to eat?" Now, at this point I am completely flabbergasted. I mean, WTF. I've got my hair up, I'm wearing a very unflattering polo that is far to tight and shows off my rolls of fat in all the wrong places and I totally don't know what to do in this situation at all. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and be mean so I simply said "Oh. Well. Uh. I uh, I go to Qaodoba on my break" in which he quickly replied, "Mind if I join you?". Honestly, I wouldn't really mind if someone joined me, just not in THAT way. So I sorta quickly replied with, "I guess". So now I've got the poor guy following me to Qaodoba all the while my brain is flickering and buzzing about in a WHAT DO I DO WHAT THE HELL DO I DO. I'm actually suprised with how comfortable I started getting though, I'm was REALLY good with small talk. But than again, this guy had A LOT in common with me. He was a trumpet player in high school, a section leader in marching band. He is a musician/singer who is in a band. He likes comics, and is really into music. He was very easy to talk to which was great because we both got a burrito and sat down together and got less akward the more we talked (I'm really akward like all the time, with everything. So it was still akward I assure you, just not as heavily). Anyways, this guy was really nice. Unfortunately, he he graduated in the class of 2001. which automatically places him about 7 years older than me. Yikes. He also dropped out of college and works full-time as a photographer (Kinda hot I'll admit. Okay really hot.) but he's not making much. Immediately I'm going, nope. Sorry. To old! I mean, what if we got married, than he'd be like ancient and he'd die before me, and I'm only eighteen and I'm not ready for anything and I have no time and I haven't even been around and WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? Well anyways, I had to go back to work, so he walked me back to Borders. He told me that he wanted to take me out to dinner. Like, he wanted to really bad. He wanted me to come see his band play too. He wanted my phone number. But for someone completely inexperienced he scared me off right away. I'm the kind of type that prefers to be by myself and doesn't like to hang out much. So when people want to do something that I don't plan than I immediately think of ways to back out, and think up excuses about why I can't (It's so horrible but true). So when he wants to take me to dinner, that would make it even more real. And he's 7 years older and I'm already going no no no. BUT I DON'T WANT TO OUT RIGHT REJECT HIM because I don't want to hurt his feelings in person. Soooo. What do I do? I make like a jackass and give him my number anways. He shakes my hand, smiles, and thanks me for the company. So of course, he calls me, leaves a sweet message, and I completely ignore it. And that's it right? I feel like a TOTAL DOUCHEBAG. But that's me. He was a sweet guy, but I didn't even have the heart to tell him no. So I thought it was over, but 2 months after I didn't answer he came into work after I had left and asked for me and wanted my schedule. Of course my co-workers knew the whole story so they refused to disclose any informaiton and he sat down and waited awhile incase I came back and eventually left. And that's been it so far. First evidence.
Now today, it was completely dead all day. One man came in at about 6ish and he was really fun and he kinda looked like Santana. We were joking around about our slave wages and everything else. So than his daughter and son come up and they are about my age. Some where in me making his daughter an americano the dad tells me his sons thinks I'm pretty. His son is being all embarassed and I'm totally embarassed so I'm just like thank you and I turn away quickly. So than his dad is totally trying to hook us up and asked for my name. So he's like, "This is Juan! Juan this is Sophie!" so I smile, and I'm thinking, poor guy. I figure this guy is just picking at his kid, how do I know this guy ACTUALLY thinks I'm pretty or his dad is just trying to hook him up with anybody? So they leave for a bit. Juan comes up a bit later to buy a juice and at this point I'm super embarassed because Juan was cute and I'm trying not to be akward. Now, I could barely understand what the poor guy was saying because his latino accent was very thick but he said that his dad was calling him a wuss because he wouldn't come up and talk to me so he came up to talk to me. So I'm all akward. So the conversation goes like this: (Now, imagine us both super duber akward)
Juan: So asdjhfkjn have a boyfrwefsdiend?
Sophie: *Smiles* Wait what?
Juan: So do you have a boyfriend?
Sophie: Nope *smiles and looks down trying not to be akward but is super akward*
Juan: asdkljfnkj
Sophie: *smiles*
Juan: alksndfiuen?
Sophie: Wait, what?
Juan: ....
Juan: How much do you work here?
Sophie: *Trying to play it cool* I work Weds, Thurs, and Fridays.
Juan: Ah, aoidnfnf.
(By the way, this is all during his transaction and I'm working the register and I've got 3 drinks to make for other people)
Juan: How late do you work tonight?
Sophie: to 10:15 *Still trying to play it cool but fails miserably and is instead akward*
Juan: jandfdsd That's kind of early.
Sophie: early? I think it's kind of late. *Kind laugh smile*
Juan: *Akward*
Sophie: *Goes to make drinks*
Juan: *Disappointment* It was nice to meet you.
Sophie: *Completely sincere* It was nice to meet you too! *The only time something came out sounding like me*
This whole conversation his dad and sister were like standing in the back watching lol Which is probably why I was so akward. But it was so akward. And hilarious. So.
Sophie: Well...I could have handled that situation better.
So the dad goes "Thanks Sophie! You have a GREAT NIGHT! *WINK**WINK*
Oh man though, right now my heart is jumpy a bit (Oh wait, that's right. 4 shots of espresso. Got it.) I really do wish I was cooler. I wish I could have been sexy. I admit that I did go to work looking pretty cute this time, so I was confident about that, but than got self concious about my arm flab lmao such a girl. Anyways....I really hope he comes in again. Like...I want him to chat me up again. I want to understand what he is saying to. I think now that I could be ready for something like that I could actually be myself. I was just totally taken aback. But...the big thing was that I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND! I wanted to run away right when the dad said "My son thinks you're pretty" I wanted to hijack a train and disappear in Alaska quicker than Bella and Edward confess true love.
The point of all these stories is to point out how FRIGHTENED I am of a relationship or anybody being interested in me. But why? Did I fuck myself up so bad with my "Not dating in high school" thing that now I'm scared shitless of anything because I think I'm inexperienced and have no idea what to do? THAN I get really akward and automatically kill things.
Haha, okay, now the Epiphany. After the Mexicans left and that Dad was done talking loudly at me and they left (I love that dad so much I mean really) some Asian kid came in. And since it wasn't busy and no one else was in the store I just watched him. And sat there thinking about how gorgeous he is. I mean...freaking hawty. Than I admit to myself, yeah well, I have a soft spot for Asian boys. I think they are so flipping gorgeous. I'm like, damn. I really hope I'm not with some white guy and some asian boy hits on me because I'd jump that shit. Horrible. But really, I'm really attracted to Asian boys. lol So I go back in time when you (TRUNGLES) were my first crush in all your Asian boy glory. Since than, I've always liked Asian boys.Totally not in an Animatard way either. So than I'm like...Oh Trung. Why did you have to be gay? Than I'm like...why the hell do all the guys I like turn out to be gay anyways? BAM! Epiphany! You know how they say that girls end up marrying their dad or brother because it's the only model of a guy they've ever known? Well, there was also a model of a guy that I grew up practically my whole life with and that was you! I like Asian boys because they remind me of you, and you're sweet and sensitive just like any other gay guy I meet. So I find myself falling for a guy just like you, and really, he's like you in certain senses and I can't help myself because going back to that whole role model thing it's all I've really known. I dunno. It was a pretty good explanation I thought in my induced espresso state and I thought it was kind of interesting. I'm not trying to point blame or anything because that would be retarded. I really do like falling for the guys I fall for. But I thought it was kind of cool how influential you are in my life and I thought it was worth pointing out. You're one of the three most powerful guys who are the most close to me in my life. So I think it's interesting how it affects the way I see other guys and what I'm looking for long term. INTERESTING. So maybe I'm not cursed and causing the guys to come out, I'm just attracted to what I'm used to and can't help it one bit. ;)
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS SUPER LONG BRAIN BARF. (I'm still shaking.)
I appologize for any nonsense that I have just typed since I'm clearly not in my right mind right now.
But....seriously....I want Juan to come back in to talk to me. =( I screwed it up and it's going to bother me for awhile.
Okay, I haven't share these with anybody yet because I get annoyed when people talk about these sort of encounters and complain about it. Like, Oh I'm just so damn hot that everybody wants me but I don't want them to right? Yeah, no one cares. Which is why I don't want anyone thinking I think that way because I DO NOT. Okay. You're confused. So am I. (Still shaking!)
Awhile back....in like....November? October? Uhhh. End of September MAYBE most likely October. (Am I spelling that right? Octobor. October.) ANYWAYWHOSIE. I used to go buy a comic and eat a burrito over at Qaodoba when ever I was on break. So one day, during my break (NOWAYZ) I went over to the comic section and this guy was standing there flipping through a batman comic called The Killing Joke. I had just bought it weeks ago and it was AWESOMENESS. So being a Borders employee, I told him that it was a really good comic, flashed my dazzling smile of dimple HUGE chinness, and continued searching for a comic. He didn't reply at first, and stuttered out a quiet "Yeah, I'm just getting into it." I nodded, kept looking, found an Indiana Jones comic, walked away, payed for it took my sweet old top chatting up employees, got checked out and was walking out the front door when this guy catches up with me. He goes, "Hey, my name is Grant by the way" and he shakes my hand. "So, do you wanna go get something to eat?" Now, at this point I am completely flabbergasted. I mean, WTF. I've got my hair up, I'm wearing a very unflattering polo that is far to tight and shows off my rolls of fat in all the wrong places and I totally don't know what to do in this situation at all. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and be mean so I simply said "Oh. Well. Uh. I uh, I go to Qaodoba on my break" in which he quickly replied, "Mind if I join you?". Honestly, I wouldn't really mind if someone joined me, just not in THAT way. So I sorta quickly replied with, "I guess". So now I've got the poor guy following me to Qaodoba all the while my brain is flickering and buzzing about in a WHAT DO I DO WHAT THE HELL DO I DO. I'm actually suprised with how comfortable I started getting though, I'm was REALLY good with small talk. But than again, this guy had A LOT in common with me. He was a trumpet player in high school, a section leader in marching band. He is a musician/singer who is in a band. He likes comics, and is really into music. He was very easy to talk to which was great because we both got a burrito and sat down together and got less akward the more we talked (I'm really akward like all the time, with everything. So it was still akward I assure you, just not as heavily). Anyways, this guy was really nice. Unfortunately, he he graduated in the class of 2001. which automatically places him about 7 years older than me. Yikes. He also dropped out of college and works full-time as a photographer (Kinda hot I'll admit. Okay really hot.) but he's not making much. Immediately I'm going, nope. Sorry. To old! I mean, what if we got married, than he'd be like ancient and he'd die before me, and I'm only eighteen and I'm not ready for anything and I have no time and I haven't even been around and WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? Well anyways, I had to go back to work, so he walked me back to Borders. He told me that he wanted to take me out to dinner. Like, he wanted to really bad. He wanted me to come see his band play too. He wanted my phone number. But for someone completely inexperienced he scared me off right away. I'm the kind of type that prefers to be by myself and doesn't like to hang out much. So when people want to do something that I don't plan than I immediately think of ways to back out, and think up excuses about why I can't (It's so horrible but true). So when he wants to take me to dinner, that would make it even more real. And he's 7 years older and I'm already going no no no. BUT I DON'T WANT TO OUT RIGHT REJECT HIM because I don't want to hurt his feelings in person. Soooo. What do I do? I make like a jackass and give him my number anways. He shakes my hand, smiles, and thanks me for the company. So of course, he calls me, leaves a sweet message, and I completely ignore it. And that's it right? I feel like a TOTAL DOUCHEBAG. But that's me. He was a sweet guy, but I didn't even have the heart to tell him no. So I thought it was over, but 2 months after I didn't answer he came into work after I had left and asked for me and wanted my schedule. Of course my co-workers knew the whole story so they refused to disclose any informaiton and he sat down and waited awhile incase I came back and eventually left. And that's been it so far. First evidence.
Now today, it was completely dead all day. One man came in at about 6ish and he was really fun and he kinda looked like Santana. We were joking around about our slave wages and everything else. So than his daughter and son come up and they are about my age. Some where in me making his daughter an americano the dad tells me his sons thinks I'm pretty. His son is being all embarassed and I'm totally embarassed so I'm just like thank you and I turn away quickly. So than his dad is totally trying to hook us up and asked for my name. So he's like, "This is Juan! Juan this is Sophie!" so I smile, and I'm thinking, poor guy. I figure this guy is just picking at his kid, how do I know this guy ACTUALLY thinks I'm pretty or his dad is just trying to hook him up with anybody? So they leave for a bit. Juan comes up a bit later to buy a juice and at this point I'm super embarassed because Juan was cute and I'm trying not to be akward. Now, I could barely understand what the poor guy was saying because his latino accent was very thick but he said that his dad was calling him a wuss because he wouldn't come up and talk to me so he came up to talk to me. So I'm all akward. So the conversation goes like this: (Now, imagine us both super duber akward)
Juan: So asdjhfkjn have a boyfrwefsdiend?
Sophie: *Smiles* Wait what?
Juan: So do you have a boyfriend?
Sophie: Nope *smiles and looks down trying not to be akward but is super akward*
Juan: asdkljfnkj
Sophie: *smiles*
Juan: alksndfiuen?
Sophie: Wait, what?
Juan: ....
Juan: How much do you work here?
Sophie: *Trying to play it cool* I work Weds, Thurs, and Fridays.
Juan: Ah, aoidnfnf.
(By the way, this is all during his transaction and I'm working the register and I've got 3 drinks to make for other people)
Juan: How late do you work tonight?
Sophie: to 10:15 *Still trying to play it cool but fails miserably and is instead akward*
Juan: jandfdsd That's kind of early.
Sophie: early? I think it's kind of late. *Kind laugh smile*
Juan: *Akward*
Sophie: *Goes to make drinks*
Juan: *Disappointment* It was nice to meet you.
Sophie: *Completely sincere* It was nice to meet you too! *The only time something came out sounding like me*
This whole conversation his dad and sister were like standing in the back watching lol Which is probably why I was so akward. But it was so akward. And hilarious. So.
Sophie: Well...I could have handled that situation better.
So the dad goes "Thanks Sophie! You have a GREAT NIGHT! *WINK**WINK*
Oh man though, right now my heart is jumpy a bit (Oh wait, that's right. 4 shots of espresso. Got it.) I really do wish I was cooler. I wish I could have been sexy. I admit that I did go to work looking pretty cute this time, so I was confident about that, but than got self concious about my arm flab lmao such a girl. Anyways....I really hope he comes in again. Like...I want him to chat me up again. I want to understand what he is saying to. I think now that I could be ready for something like that I could actually be myself. I was just totally taken aback. But...the big thing was that I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND! I wanted to run away right when the dad said "My son thinks you're pretty" I wanted to hijack a train and disappear in Alaska quicker than Bella and Edward confess true love.
The point of all these stories is to point out how FRIGHTENED I am of a relationship or anybody being interested in me. But why? Did I fuck myself up so bad with my "Not dating in high school" thing that now I'm scared shitless of anything because I think I'm inexperienced and have no idea what to do? THAN I get really akward and automatically kill things.
Haha, okay, now the Epiphany. After the Mexicans left and that Dad was done talking loudly at me and they left (I love that dad so much I mean really) some Asian kid came in. And since it wasn't busy and no one else was in the store I just watched him. And sat there thinking about how gorgeous he is. I mean...freaking hawty. Than I admit to myself, yeah well, I have a soft spot for Asian boys. I think they are so flipping gorgeous. I'm like, damn. I really hope I'm not with some white guy and some asian boy hits on me because I'd jump that shit. Horrible. But really, I'm really attracted to Asian boys. lol So I go back in time when you (TRUNGLES) were my first crush in all your Asian boy glory. Since than, I've always liked Asian boys.Totally not in an Animatard way either. So than I'm like...Oh Trung. Why did you have to be gay? Than I'm like...why the hell do all the guys I like turn out to be gay anyways? BAM! Epiphany! You know how they say that girls end up marrying their dad or brother because it's the only model of a guy they've ever known? Well, there was also a model of a guy that I grew up practically my whole life with and that was you! I like Asian boys because they remind me of you, and you're sweet and sensitive just like any other gay guy I meet. So I find myself falling for a guy just like you, and really, he's like you in certain senses and I can't help myself because going back to that whole role model thing it's all I've really known. I dunno. It was a pretty good explanation I thought in my induced espresso state and I thought it was kind of interesting. I'm not trying to point blame or anything because that would be retarded. I really do like falling for the guys I fall for. But I thought it was kind of cool how influential you are in my life and I thought it was worth pointing out. You're one of the three most powerful guys who are the most close to me in my life. So I think it's interesting how it affects the way I see other guys and what I'm looking for long term. INTERESTING. So maybe I'm not cursed and causing the guys to come out, I'm just attracted to what I'm used to and can't help it one bit. ;)
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS SUPER LONG BRAIN BARF. (I'm still shaking.)
I appologize for any nonsense that I have just typed since I'm clearly not in my right mind right now.
But....seriously....I want Juan to come back in to talk to me. =( I screwed it up and it's going to bother me for awhile.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Love and Wonderment. Except not.
Steven is not a nice guy. He's also not bright enough to notice when I'm insulting him.
HERE IS HIS STORY
do u think i look like a woman?
8:17pmTrung
ummm
8:18pmSteven
theres no right or wrong answer here, feel free to say eys or no
8:18pmTrung
well, in any other situation, you don't quite look womanly.
But if one were to use solely peripherals or quick glances, as people are apt to do
you do give something of a womanly impression
Does that help?
8:19pmSteven
yes. so far over break 12 diffrent people have called me ma'am or miss
im thinking of being the ebarded lady at a circus
8:20pmTrung
nobody's called you lass or young lady?
8:20pmSteven
no.....maybe if i lost the facial hair
8:21pmTrung
then you'd be a... younger woman?
8:21pmSteven
possibly
8:21pmTrung
it deserves a good ponderin', I bet
8:22pmSteven
that it does
DISCLAIMER: I swear to Buddha I'm not actually this douchey.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Two dolla for luck...
Sometimes I really believe that an entire life is merely a test. Every person is presented with so many obstacles to over come it would be a no brainer. A few days ago I was presented by one potential test that may not appear to be anything special at all.
It was near 6:00 on a Friday afternoon. It was fairly busy seeing as everyone had recovered from their drunk stupors of the days before. Not a single customer wore a smile, and their irritation boiled over in a way that all your built up energy immediately evaporated and all you were capable of was a weak smile and quiet thank yous as you hurriedly typed in their order. Perhaps this was why I was amazed when a women arrived with two children who were very giggly and enjoyed pointing out our cookies and anything else that amused their little minds. Their mother was very friendly and joked around with me as I recommended our hot chocolates and a mocha she may enjoy. I punched in their order, and they moved along. A couple tens of minutes later, their father arrived all smiles. I couldn't help but watch as he hugged both his kids in earnest and kissed his happy wife as he asked how their day had gone and relayed how wonderful his had been. As they hurried back to their tables, he came up to the register beaming in a way that I had not seen all day.
He smiled at me and gesturing towards his family said, "That's my family. They're goofy. I love them."
And I believed him. While he said this, you could hear his kids giggling wildly and his wife shushing them with a repressed laugh. You could really feel how much love this family possessed. It's almost hard to explain, but it was nearly rolling off of them in infectious waves. The whole cafe seemed much brighter and my night was suddenly getting much better. As I put in his order, the man leaned in close and presented me with a two dollar bill.
"Here. A two dollar bill for goodluck!" He told me as he went to get his drink, never dropping his smile.
I took it immiediately and thanked him. I was amazed with myself in how quickly I accepted the two dollar bill. Previously, I had been given a five dollar bill for pointing out a serious issue in where a large family had payed a large portion more than they should have, and they felt the need to reward me for my honesty. I feel uneasy about excepting it and asked many times if they were sure and made an uncomfortable motion of gratitude. Another time a regular costumer gave me a five dollar bill as a Christmas present, one that I again made sure to quickly question. But for some reason, I didn't question the two dollar bill and took it quickly.
After the man recieved his coffee, he said one more thing, "Now don't spend it. It's for luck now."
He left me with one final wink and finally joined his lovely family.
It is in these instenses where I believe I am being tested, and I tend to take the above situation very seriously. Here I saw a man who appeared to be blissfully happy, living the perfect life, everything he had every wanted. Everything that I want for myself. He passed me a token. One that he told me not to spend. One that would give me luck. And I believe him. That two dollar bill will never be spent ever, it will forever be my lucky two dollar bill because it was given to me by a man that was truely happy. A tale that only could exsist in a fairytale. I believe this man had something to teach me. There is something to be gained by his lesson, and I am eager to know.
I could have spent that two dollar bill, but I believe that I would have been spending away a knowledge I hope to understand, a chance to appreciate the finer things in life rather than the greed of money. In spending that two dollar bill, I would have been putting a need for money and power above love and family. And in that I have learned. And in that I believe I have passed the test.
It was near 6:00 on a Friday afternoon. It was fairly busy seeing as everyone had recovered from their drunk stupors of the days before. Not a single customer wore a smile, and their irritation boiled over in a way that all your built up energy immediately evaporated and all you were capable of was a weak smile and quiet thank yous as you hurriedly typed in their order. Perhaps this was why I was amazed when a women arrived with two children who were very giggly and enjoyed pointing out our cookies and anything else that amused their little minds. Their mother was very friendly and joked around with me as I recommended our hot chocolates and a mocha she may enjoy. I punched in their order, and they moved along. A couple tens of minutes later, their father arrived all smiles. I couldn't help but watch as he hugged both his kids in earnest and kissed his happy wife as he asked how their day had gone and relayed how wonderful his had been. As they hurried back to their tables, he came up to the register beaming in a way that I had not seen all day.
He smiled at me and gesturing towards his family said, "That's my family. They're goofy. I love them."
And I believed him. While he said this, you could hear his kids giggling wildly and his wife shushing them with a repressed laugh. You could really feel how much love this family possessed. It's almost hard to explain, but it was nearly rolling off of them in infectious waves. The whole cafe seemed much brighter and my night was suddenly getting much better. As I put in his order, the man leaned in close and presented me with a two dollar bill.
"Here. A two dollar bill for goodluck!" He told me as he went to get his drink, never dropping his smile.
I took it immiediately and thanked him. I was amazed with myself in how quickly I accepted the two dollar bill. Previously, I had been given a five dollar bill for pointing out a serious issue in where a large family had payed a large portion more than they should have, and they felt the need to reward me for my honesty. I feel uneasy about excepting it and asked many times if they were sure and made an uncomfortable motion of gratitude. Another time a regular costumer gave me a five dollar bill as a Christmas present, one that I again made sure to quickly question. But for some reason, I didn't question the two dollar bill and took it quickly.
After the man recieved his coffee, he said one more thing, "Now don't spend it. It's for luck now."
He left me with one final wink and finally joined his lovely family.
It is in these instenses where I believe I am being tested, and I tend to take the above situation very seriously. Here I saw a man who appeared to be blissfully happy, living the perfect life, everything he had every wanted. Everything that I want for myself. He passed me a token. One that he told me not to spend. One that would give me luck. And I believe him. That two dollar bill will never be spent ever, it will forever be my lucky two dollar bill because it was given to me by a man that was truely happy. A tale that only could exsist in a fairytale. I believe this man had something to teach me. There is something to be gained by his lesson, and I am eager to know.
I could have spent that two dollar bill, but I believe that I would have been spending away a knowledge I hope to understand, a chance to appreciate the finer things in life rather than the greed of money. In spending that two dollar bill, I would have been putting a need for money and power above love and family. And in that I have learned. And in that I believe I have passed the test.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Drawn and Quartered.
Sophie, Sophie...
Today, I hurriedly forced all my clothes into one suitcase, a messenger bag, and a laundry hamper and went back to Hamline.
The night before, I had quite an interesting evening. A couple of old friends came over, and we watched some movies, had some laughs, and, most importantly, patched up an incredibly long-fought falling-out of 2008. However, it was a new year, and new start was immanent. We attended a party afterward at a friend's house, which was mostly pleasant.
The unfortunate thing about being raised for twelve years in private Catholic educational institutions was the upsetting tendency to make pleasantries the bulk of inter-social communication. The well-rehearsed "Hellos" and "How-do-you-dos" were ever so artfully punctuated with wide smiles, polite nods, and forced (but cleverly naturalized) chuckles and chortles. Those unversed in the Stepford-wifey nature of private secular education could be easily lost, overwhelmed, and rendered utterly witless by the sheer level of unbridled pretentiousness that permeated the air like a thick London fog. I'd traversed this world on my own for years. I was rusty, having been beyond the reaches of my academic roots for so long, but I scrambled around the empty pleasantries with some success and found my way to some sincere friends.
Amidst the chaotic throng of (hypothetically) painted grins, there were a few gems of genuine smiles for me at the party. I found Kylene, and we congregated with those of us who genuinely cared about each other around the couches. We sat, we discussed, we laughed our truest laughs, and we tried our best to ignore the crowd of oddly familiar strangers we never really knew for the past four years.
When we left, I was sad enough that those particular genuine smiles would be long gone from my sight, but I was overwhelmingly relieved that I'd not have to see anyone from the old life for a long while yet.
But after spending a little time back here... I don't feel quite settled. My closest friend on campus tends to make very solid plans, which gradually become more tentative as she becomes more and more distracted. My ex-boyfriend's shallowness just keeps becoming more and more profound, and one of my neighbors, bless his tiny, selfish little heart, becomes more and more unsettling on my nerves.
I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered, in a sense. It's like I'm being pulled in all sorts of directions... There's my home life with the family, my academic and social life at Hamline, my old life at my private secular high school, and my old friends who can't always be here... four different directions.
And, despite the possibilities, I'm not entirely sure that I'll ever belong back where I was, and I'm not certain that I'll ever find peace in the places to which I will eventually go.
It's a little lonely.
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