From Espresso with Love

Epiphany time! But you have to read through some lengthy background first. (It should also be noted that I took 4 shots of espresso three hours ago...at 8 something o' clock. Good idea? I THINK NO! I'm shaking like a crack addict. XP)

Okay, I haven't share these with anybody yet because I get annoyed when people talk about these sort of encounters and complain about it. Like, Oh I'm just so damn hot that everybody wants me but I don't want them to right? Yeah, no one cares. Which is why I don't want anyone thinking I think that way because I DO NOT. Okay. You're confused. So am I. (Still shaking!)

Awhile back....in like....November? October? Uhhh. End of September MAYBE most likely October. (Am I spelling that right? Octobor. October.) ANYWAYWHOSIE. I used to go buy a comic and eat a burrito over at Qaodoba when ever I was on break. So one day, during my break (NOWAYZ) I went over to the comic section and this guy was standing there flipping through a batman comic called The Killing Joke. I had just bought it weeks ago and it was AWESOMENESS. So being a Borders employee, I told him that it was a really good comic, flashed my dazzling smile of dimple HUGE chinness, and continued searching for a comic. He didn't reply at first, and stuttered out a quiet "Yeah, I'm just getting into it." I nodded, kept looking, found an Indiana Jones comic, walked away, payed for it took my sweet old top chatting up employees, got checked out and was walking out the front door when this guy catches up with me. He goes, "Hey, my name is Grant by the way" and he shakes my hand. "So, do you wanna go get something to eat?" Now, at this point I am completely flabbergasted. I mean, WTF. I've got my hair up, I'm wearing a very unflattering polo that is far to tight and shows off my rolls of fat in all the wrong places and I totally don't know what to do in this situation at all. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and be mean so I simply said "Oh. Well. Uh. I uh, I go to Qaodoba on my break" in which he quickly replied, "Mind if I join you?". Honestly, I wouldn't really mind if someone joined me, just not in THAT way. So I sorta quickly replied with, "I guess". So now I've got the poor guy following me to Qaodoba all the while my brain is flickering and buzzing about in a WHAT DO I DO WHAT THE HELL DO I DO. I'm actually suprised with how comfortable I started getting though, I'm was REALLY good with small talk. But than again, this guy had A LOT in common with me. He was a trumpet player in high school, a section leader in marching band. He is a musician/singer who is in a band. He likes comics, and is really into music. He was very easy to talk to which was great because we both got a burrito and sat down together and got less akward the more we talked (I'm really akward like all the time, with everything. So it was still akward I assure you, just not as heavily). Anyways, this guy was really nice. Unfortunately, he he graduated in the class of 2001. which automatically places him about 7 years older than me. Yikes. He also dropped out of college and works full-time as a photographer (Kinda hot I'll admit. Okay really hot.) but he's not making much. Immediately I'm going, nope. Sorry. To old! I mean, what if we got married, than he'd be like ancient and he'd die before me, and I'm only eighteen and I'm not ready for anything and I have no time and I haven't even been around and WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? Well anyways, I had to go back to work, so he walked me back to Borders. He told me that he wanted to take me out to dinner. Like, he wanted to really bad. He wanted me to come see his band play too. He wanted my phone number. But for someone completely inexperienced he scared me off right away. I'm the kind of type that prefers to be by myself and doesn't like to hang out much. So when people want to do something that I don't plan than I immediately think of ways to back out, and think up excuses about why I can't (It's so horrible but true). So when he wants to take me to dinner, that would make it even more real. And he's 7 years older and I'm already going no no no. BUT I DON'T WANT TO OUT RIGHT REJECT HIM because I don't want to hurt his feelings in person. Soooo. What do I do? I make like a jackass and give him my number anways. He shakes my hand, smiles, and thanks me for the company. So of course, he calls me, leaves a sweet message, and I completely ignore it. And that's it right? I feel like a TOTAL DOUCHEBAG. But that's me. He was a sweet guy, but I didn't even have the heart to tell him no. So I thought it was over, but 2 months after I didn't answer he came into work after I had left and asked for me and wanted my schedule. Of course my co-workers knew the whole story so they refused to disclose any informaiton and he sat down and waited awhile incase I came back and eventually left. And that's been it so far. First evidence.

Now today, it was completely dead all day. One man came in at about 6ish and he was really fun and he kinda looked like Santana. We were joking around about our slave wages and everything else. So than his daughter and son come up and they are about my age. Some where in me making his daughter an americano the dad tells me his sons thinks I'm pretty. His son is being all embarassed and I'm totally embarassed so I'm just like thank you and I turn away quickly. So than his dad is totally trying to hook us up and asked for my name. So he's like, "This is Juan! Juan this is Sophie!" so I smile, and I'm thinking, poor guy. I figure this guy is just picking at his kid, how do I know this guy ACTUALLY thinks I'm pretty or his dad is just trying to hook him up with anybody? So they leave for a bit. Juan comes up a bit later to buy a juice and at this point I'm super embarassed because Juan was cute and I'm trying not to be akward. Now, I could barely understand what the poor guy was saying because his latino accent was very thick but he said that his dad was calling him a wuss because he wouldn't come up and talk to me so he came up to talk to me. So I'm all akward. So the conversation goes like this: (Now, imagine us both super duber akward)
Juan: So asdjhfkjn have a boyfrwefsdiend?
Sophie: *Smiles* Wait what?
Juan: So do you have a boyfriend?
Sophie: Nope *smiles and looks down trying not to be akward but is super akward*
Juan: asdkljfnkj
Sophie: *smiles*
Juan: alksndfiuen?
Sophie: Wait, what?
Juan: ....
Juan: How much do you work here?
Sophie: *Trying to play it cool* I work Weds, Thurs, and Fridays.
Juan: Ah, aoidnfnf.
(By the way, this is all during his transaction and I'm working the register and I've got 3 drinks to make for other people)
Juan: How late do you work tonight?
Sophie: to 10:15 *Still trying to play it cool but fails miserably and is instead akward*
Juan: jandfdsd That's kind of early.
Sophie: early? I think it's kind of late. *Kind laugh smile*
Juan: *Akward*
Sophie: *Goes to make drinks*
Juan: *Disappointment* It was nice to meet you.
Sophie: *Completely sincere* It was nice to meet you too! *The only time something came out sounding like me*
This whole conversation his dad and sister were like standing in the back watching lol Which is probably why I was so akward. But it was so akward. And hilarious. So.
Sophie: Well...I could have handled that situation better.
So the dad goes "Thanks Sophie! You have a GREAT NIGHT! *WINK**WINK*
Oh man though, right now my heart is jumpy a bit (Oh wait, that's right. 4 shots of espresso. Got it.) I really do wish I was cooler. I wish I could have been sexy. I admit that I did go to work looking pretty cute this time, so I was confident about that, but than got self concious about my arm flab lmao such a girl. Anyways....I really hope he comes in again. Like...I want him to chat me up again. I want to understand what he is saying to. I think now that I could be ready for something like that I could actually be myself. I was just totally taken aback. But...the big thing was that I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND! I wanted to run away right when the dad said "My son thinks you're pretty" I wanted to hijack a train and disappear in Alaska quicker than Bella and Edward confess true love.
The point of all these stories is to point out how FRIGHTENED I am of a relationship or anybody being interested in me. But why? Did I fuck myself up so bad with my "Not dating in high school" thing that now I'm scared shitless of anything because I think I'm inexperienced and have no idea what to do? THAN I get really akward and automatically kill things.
Haha, okay, now the Epiphany. After the Mexicans left and that Dad was done talking loudly at me and they left (I love that dad so much I mean really) some Asian kid came in. And since it wasn't busy and no one else was in the store I just watched him. And sat there thinking about how gorgeous he is. I mean...freaking hawty. Than I admit to myself, yeah well, I have a soft spot for Asian boys. I think they are so flipping gorgeous. I'm like, damn. I really hope I'm not with some white guy and some asian boy hits on me because I'd jump that shit. Horrible. But really, I'm really attracted to Asian boys. lol So I go back in time when you (TRUNGLES) were my first crush in all your Asian boy glory. Since than, I've always liked Asian boys.Totally not in an Animatard way either. So than I'm like...Oh Trung. Why did you have to be gay? Than I'm like...why the hell do all the guys I like turn out to be gay anyways? BAM! Epiphany! You know how they say that girls end up marrying their dad or brother because it's the only model of a guy they've ever known? Well, there was also a model of a guy that I grew up practically my whole life with and that was you! I like Asian boys because they remind me of you, and you're sweet and sensitive just like any other gay guy I meet. So I find myself falling for a guy just like you, and really, he's like you in certain senses and I can't help myself because going back to that whole role model thing it's all I've really known. I dunno. It was a pretty good explanation I thought in my induced espresso state and I thought it was kind of interesting. I'm not trying to point blame or anything because that would be retarded. I really do like falling for the guys I fall for. But I thought it was kind of cool how influential you are in my life and I thought it was worth pointing out. You're one of the three most powerful guys who are the most close to me in my life. So I think it's interesting how it affects the way I see other guys and what I'm looking for long term. INTERESTING. So maybe I'm not cursed and causing the guys to come out, I'm just attracted to what I'm used to and can't help it one bit. ;)

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS SUPER LONG BRAIN BARF. (I'm still shaking.)
I appologize for any nonsense that I have just typed since I'm clearly not in my right mind right now.

But....seriously....I want Juan to come back in to talk to me. =( I screwed it up and it's going to bother me for awhile.