Love versus Life

AGAIN, AT THE PIZZERIA

A couple weeks ago, I found myself sitting outside at a table under an umbrella at a Neapolitan Pizzeria in St. Paul with my high school government teacher and a couple of my dearest TG friends. There, we discussed the nuances of life, love, and all those tender moments in between that make us want to live each one coming more passionately than the one before it.

The most colorful topic, however, was the topic of love versus life. When push comes to shove, and when adventure calls when love comes a-knocking, can you really have both?

ME AS MYSELF and HATING TO LOVE… LOVE

Now, I am the eternal secretly hopeful romantic cynic. I find public displays of affection unforgivably nauseating, and I want to kick in the doors of every hotel room with a “do-not-disturb” sign swinging from its knob just to wreck the mood of the intimate couple within… Purely out of jealousy, of course. I hate those things because, try as I might, I cannot find myself in any of those situations in such a way that makes me happy. The childish little imp inside of me takes over my mind and wishes with all its mischievous might that it shall have what it wishes, and God forbid that others should have what it cannot!

My outwardly harsh opinion of all things emotionally sweet and tender greatly conflicts with my inward desire for an innocent, blossoming romance… one I can witness from its conception to its budding and to its blooming. I wish that I could be a friend, then, without noticing, fall haplessly in sweet, sickening love and that, out of some strange and uncharacteristically merciful twist of fate, that love would be returned. With that odd conflict between what I convey and what I inwardly hold to be true, it’s not a wonder that I find myself in the midst of an identity crisis.

This does not, however, hinder my observations of the world as it is.

ADVENTURE ON THE HORIZON

My former teacher, and an involuntary role model to all of us, shared that perhaps her most obvious regret was putting her relationships over her sense of adventure.

In that way, Sophia, my dear, you are going about this in absolutely the correct way. Now is when you should be off having adventures of a lifetime! You will see many things, grow as a person, and become the most complete person you can be without ever having to rely on the support of a lover.

I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE… AND I CAN’T GET UP.

What happens so often in higher education is that kids get together and “fall in love,” and that becomes the beginning of the end. It’s a belief of mine that when people deliberately come together too quickly and too soon, there is a need for security that overwhelms a call to adventure. Someone with, perhaps, a more dismal lot in life would choose security over adventure because adventure tends to be, in and of itself, a risk that some feel they cannot afford to take. The emotional toll would be too great, they say. And with that, they settle down without ever putting themselves out in the world to see all that there is to see.

Isn’t that a sad way to be? I won’t try to knock on the lucky bastards who fall in love young and stay that way for as long as they can, but I can’t help it. They suck, and I’m jealous… but being unattached allows for you to make your own decisions.

But I take comfort in the fact that going overseas won’t break my heart because I won’t be leaving any piece of myself behind with some silly person. I relish in the thought that I can go anywhere and not feel the full force of distance because there would be no other half of me to put a stretch of distance in between; I would be an independent agent of my own desire to learn and to explore! I feel that we should all take the opportunity to explore what we may without feeling the pull of anyone we might leave behind.

THE MYTHICAL ROMANCE OF HAVING IT ALL

And then there are those hopeless romantics who think they can have it all. Some believe that they can fall in love, be totally committed, and then go off and see the world and trust that everything will be all hunky-dory at home.

From what I contend, and from what I have heard from those far more experienced than myself, commitment doesn’t happen in youth. I actually think it takes years of commitment and trust to be able to stay grounded to each other when you are both separated by the molten core of the planet. Others say that, even then, it’s never a sure thing. People are fickle nowadays, as they have always been. We fantasize about a romantic past wherein true, committed, faithful love existed, but total devotion was as much a myth then as it was now. Back in the day, the responsibility of devotion fell to the woman; the man, however, could run about, dancing and romancing all willy-nilly without a thought to honoring the love and loyalty of his wife. If he becomes a cuckold by her, though, all hell would break loose on the poor lady.

As much as I hate to admit it, true mutual fidelity is sort of… revolutionary. That’s why we’re shocked when it happens (and, yes, I do believe it can happen), though it may not happen very often.

But how long can you be with a person before you can leave him or her alone and expect that he or she won’t be creeping around looking for some action, especially when all you can do is trust that he or she won’t do that out of the naiveté of your own heart.

The truth of the matter is that… you can’t expect that. You can expect him or her to need the attention you cannot give while you are away, and you can expect that there can be others who can fulfill that need.

WRAPPING UP THE PACKAGE

So now you’re almost 19. Now, you’re getting ready to face the world and learn what it has to teach you, but all your friends have decided they have fallen in love. And since they have fallen in love, they don’t need anything other than the love of their partners forever and always.

I don’t think you should feel like you have to follow this trend, Sophie. If you happen to stumble upon something so strong that you can call it love, I’ll support you always.

In the meantime, there’s no need to fall in love because, contrary to popular belief, love happens beyond the teen years. People are in danger of falling love every year of their life until they die, and even then I can’t say for sure what happens.

But, honestly, go explore and have adventures. You can find wholeness in yourself. You don’t need to consider yourself a half-Sophie looking for her other half.

I think you’re a whole-Sophie by yourself, and I do so love all whole-Sophie as such.