Immortality (continued...)

I'm more ashamed of myself than anything.

A few months back I wrote a very dark blog about my feelings considering death. It was pessimistic, it was childish, and it was selfish. I'm not sure if it reflected my attitude that of late or I was generally believing in such...but I'd like to clarify where my feelings on the subject have changed.

Around the same time I brought the topic up at work with my friend Sean. Instead of engaging in a conversation with me, he instead insisted on questioning me on my feelings and why I felt the way that I did. I thought maybe he would have agreed with me or shared his views, but instead he challenged me. And that was exactly what I needed. My face was red and I found that I really didn't have any good arguement or sound reasoning. Sean had subtely set me straight. After I had stopped sputtering and had gotten off my high horse, he told me a very powerful story.

A few years back he worked at a nursing home. He delivered food to the elderly everyday and eventually, became quite close to a few of the patients. There was an elderly women who made a point of chit-chatting with him whenever he delivered her pudding (just the way she liked it). She was upbeat, strong-willed, and a fiesty little old lady. One day she was telling him about all of the things she didn't get to do yet in life. She wasn't pitying herself or getting all mopey, she was just generally accepting the fact that she missed out on things. For instance, she always hoped she could have learned a different language and travel around the world. She was joking around and naming a bunch of other things and Sean laughed along with her. It wasn't until Sean named something he wished he could have done that she suddenly got very irrate and flew into a frenzy. "What the hell are you talking about? You have your whole life ahead of you! Don't you dare sit there and think you can't or couldn't do it, get out there and do it! Damnit, you kids just don't understand. When you're my age, there's only so much you can do, and the biggest thing is sitting around regretting things. You have plenty of time. Promise me you'll get out there and do it. Live the hell out of your life." Sean was stunned, but he took the words to heart.

When he relayed me this story all I could do was feel ashamed of myself. I felt guilty that I had been selfishly fretting over things I had no business even bothering to worrying about yet. I was afraid to go out there and live my life in the off chance that I would accidentally loose it. I was just being completely ridiculous. I'm not a kid anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm at the end of my ropes. I'm still young, and I haven't even started living yet. Why in the world would I already be questioning life and death? I'm supposed to just get out there a live it. Live it up as much as I can because it won't be around forever. And that is the point.

Now just today I finished watching a JDorama intitled 1 Litre of Tears, and I'll say right now, I'm pretty sure I cried a litre of tears just watching it.

It's based on a true story about a 15 year old girl named Aya Kito (You can try looking her up, but I know for a fact the Wiki page is pretty weak). She suffered from a diease known as spinocerebellar atrophy. Basically, you loose control of your body and it's like living in a prison because your mind is perfectly fine but you can't move or speak and eventually the disease will take you. It is incurable.

In the show and real life, Aya kept a diary originally to describe her daily activities in order for her doctor to get a feel for the progress of the disease, but eventually, it became a source of comfort for herself and others as she began to describe her struggles and thoughts. It was published, and to this day, has helped many other patients and people to appreciate life.

(When I feel like paying for $50 import costs, I plan on purchasing the book myself).

I really feel like I've learned a lot from this show...to realize that I have all these wonderful things in my life. And something that appears so simple, such as walking, is something I never thought to cherish before. And Aya had so little time...she was only 15 years old, and had to face the progression of her disease head on. Slowly it would become difficult to walk, pick things up, and move the way she wanted. She would be forced to use a wheelchair, would loose the ability to speak, and would start choking on her food.

Very tough things to consider in your own life. To know you'll only get worse before finally dieing...and knowing there is nothing you could do about that.

Aya lacked time. She didn't have much of it left to do the things she wanted while her body gave up on her. So she tried to do as much as she could. She wanted to be help others, she wanted to make a difference. And she did. She helped me.

I realize now that what I've been fearing most of all is time itself. Fortunately for me, however, I've still got some of it left. Instead of worrying about what I can't do, I should be focusing on what I can do. Live the life I want to live while I've still got the chance to. Appreciate the little things in life, and never take any of it for granted.

I still think it's stupid to fret over trivial things like homework, relationship woes, and high school drama...but that's only because there are more important things to care about. If you only had a week left, would you want to spend it stressing out or wasting time on something that won't matter in the long run? I would want to spend it happy, and making the most of it.

Besides, isn't life beautiful because you only get to experience it once?