Feminize Me, Cap'n!

Okay, so, I just finished watching another JDorama called Last Friends.
There were a lot of powerful messages in that one as well, a lot I really got to thinking about.
However, there is only need for one small mention.
One of the characters Ruka is suffering from Gender Indentity Disorder. Basically, throughout the episodes she can't stand to see her own body and tries to cover it up.

Now, I don't have Gender Indentity Disorder, but the whole thing really got me to thinking about how I view myself and my own body.

For the most part, I tend not to focus too much on my looks (Which is obvious). I don't want to become obsessed with them, and I don't care how other people think of my looks. I think that what is really important is how comfortable I am with myself.

For the past year or so I've generally ignored anything concerning my appearance (Again, which is obvious). My hair grew out longer than it should have with the style I was sporting and looked like a mullet. So of course when I got to get it cut, I merely get the style trimmed. So really, it's just a shorter mullet. But what do I care, it's just hair.
For the past couple of months I've refused to even put in my contacts, I've simply been wearing my glasses everywhere. This might be due to the fact that paying for new contacts isn't cheap, and at the start of the year having contacts in my eyes would dry them out and I'd always fall asleep in them when I got home, but either way, I've taken a general liking to hide behind them.
Going along with wearing my glasses, I've than slackened on the grooming of my eyebrows. I mean, it doesn't seem that big of a deal really, but in girl world it is. Add the fact that I'm Italian, and we have ourselves a real problem when my eyebrows start growing thicker than the Jonas Brothers (*Shudder*). But, you know...who cares? I'm wearing glasses anyways, nobody can see my little unplucked eyebrows under them can they?
I'm not going to lie either, I've let my weight go considerably as well. I'm not going to sit here and whine about it though. I'm clinically overweight. Big deal. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. It's the way it is. It's sort of what happens when you sit on your ass without exercise and eat a whole bunch of crap. People who cry about it need to do something about it, I know what I did and I know how to fix it. I'm just not.
And because of the weight gain, I barely have any clothes that fit me anymore. Did you know I haven't gone shopping for clothes since last Spring? So that means...all I have is whatever fits. And since I didn't have much of a style to begin with, that doesn't leave much. Not to mention none of it is fitting for my current size so it's all horribly unflattering.

So, what does this all leave me with? I'm not embarassed by it, nor ashamed. It's who I've become, and I watched the whole thing happen. I don't feel bad or happy about it. Sort of an indifference. After gradually adopting this new outlook on my priorities in life I can't do anything but shrug and say "Ah well, it is what it is. Guess I'll have to do something about that."

Well? Why do something?

Because I owe it to myself.
When I see myself looking back at me in the mirror, I see beauty. It's not a narcissitic ego trip or anything, but I see the beauty in myself as reflecting on just the natural aspect of who I am. No make-up, nothing. I also see the potential for something more.

When we dream, we all have these ideal images of ourselves. For some people like me, it doesn't neccesarily reflect what we look like in the now. The Sophie I see is so right, and nothing like what I represent now.

She's healthy, she's feminine, she's me.

But I've strayed so much from that. I'm not who I am, and THAT is the only thing that makes me uncomfortable.

It's not for them, it's for me. My benefit. I'm so busy and content with living inside of my head all the time, I don't feel the need to look after the real me. It's all fun to have a style and play dress-up with my ideas, but why not do it for real?

Point is, like Ruka, I look in the mirror and see somebody else. And it makes me feel uncomfortable, but all I ever do is 'just deal'. But we can both fix it.

I wanna fix it.

And it's not because I don't like who I am now, or I'm concerned with how other people preceive me. It's just...I want to feel like me. I want to feel like a woman.

So I'm going to do something about it. ;)