SANTA

Every year, I witness Santa, but I never know how to describe, until THIS YEAR. I had a real vivid encounter with him this time. I tried explaining him to Derek, my neighbor. Here's how it went down:

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2:11amDerek

so how was Christmas?

 

2:11amTrung

it was very nice

 

2:12amDerek

DID SANTA COME!?

 

2:12amTrung

Christmas spirit kicked in at the last second and made Christmas Eve all nice and cute

YESSSSSS

I saw him.

 

2:12amDerek

...was he at a mall?

 

2:12amTrung

nope

He was on my roof

 

2:14amDerek

on Christmas eve?

 

2:14amTrung

yes

 

2:14amDerek

you can't just say Santa was on your roof and NOT give details wtf

 

2:14amTrung

Well, he kind of waddled around on my roof

Man, the stories do NOT do him justice

dude was HUUUUUUGE

He looked like a mass of fuzzy red jello with the whipped cream on top

just jigglying back and forth

I think he's a smoker, too

He had this sort raspy smoker's laugh

 

2:15amDerek

I think most people who deal with kids regularly are smokers

 

2:15amTrung

but he only deals with them once a year

and he never actually has to see them

 

2:15amDerek

yeah that thought actually just came to mind

Well maybe he gets bored then

 

2:16amTrung

do you think he's got a lump of soot in his lung?

maybe that's it

secondhand chimney smoke

 

2:16amDerek

Maybe that's where he keeps the soot for naughty children?

not only is it soot, but its regurgitated, too.

 

2:16amTrung

You think he hacks it up and stuffs them into the stocking?

 

2:16amDerek

Exactly.

 

2:16amTrung

Cool...

ANYWAY

 

2:17amDerek

Definitely solved a Christmas mystery

 

2:17amTrung

the reindeer

so NOT tiny

tiny only relative to him

 

2:17amDerek

wait, are the reindeers supposed to be tiny?

 

2:17amTrung

but, then again, Shaq woulda looked like a little mousey

yep

It says so in that Twas the Night Before Christmas book

 

2:18amDerek

WHAT!?

 

2:18amTrung

it was either there or somewhere

i'm pretty sure it was there

ANYWAY

He was carrying a gun

 

2:18amDerek

Santa or the reindeer?

...

 

2:19amTrung

Santa

 

2:19amDerek

I mean, the reindeer IS magic

 

2:19amTrung

They are

 

2:19amDerek

You gotta check these things

when you're dealing with magic

and pronouns

 

2:19amTrung

But I think they don't actually fly

 

2:20amTrung

Should I continue my account?

 

2:20amDerek

Um

yes

 

2:20amTrung

Well, there he was, red and gelatinous as ever next to his bathtub

 

2:21amDerek

is this more Christmas lore that I'm ignorant of?

 

2:21amTrung

no, no

it wasn't a sleigh

i guess they figured it was a sleigh because sleighs make SENSE, right?

so everybody says it's a sleigh

 

2:22amDerek

exactly. and it makes sledding seem so much more fantastical

 

2:22amTrung

I'm convinced that it's a bathtub.

 

2:22amDerek

so the non-flying reindeer trudge through the snow... dragging a bathtub behind them?

 

2:23amTrung

no, no

they each pilot a sink

it's super cute

they hang onto their little faucets and steer

 

2:24amDerek

so, are all the pipes connected?

to eachother and the bathtub?

 

2:24amTrung

nope

i didn't see any pipes

but there were garlands

and rudolph is actually a headlight that was hanging between the two leads

 

2:25amDerek

that makes sense

 

2:25amTrung

it does, oddly enough

but when they flew off... I heard sputtering

like, from an engine

or maybe that was Santa

 

2:26amDerek

you know, I really like the image of Santa as an engineer

 

2:26amTrung

Me too!

Maybe he was

which would explain the coal and soot in his lungs

***