On the topic of secrets...

You know what I'd love to do right now?

Have a sleep over with you Trung.

Like, stay up all night doing the things we do, go off on tangents, until we get all tuckered out. Turn off the lights, try to fall asleep and swap secrets.

Just...the kind of stories or really personal things you don't really talk about to anyone you know? Until that moment, when you're lying there in the dark, contemplating about where you've been, what you want to do, things that scare you, things you're ashamed of, happy memories, etc. etc. Silence from the other person, as they listen to you, really listen. Everything is quiet, the world is sleeping, lights off, just the voice of a familiar soul.

That's when you really hear somebody. I feel like, there is so much going on during the day, so many distractions, so many worries, so many responsibilities, desires, so much noise. The world is so loud.

I need this.

Once, I was at a bonfire sophomore year and there was about 30 people there. There was laughing, yelling, people running around, branch fights, everything you could imagine. And me and the host decided to go for a walk.

She was one of those ditzy girls, always laughing all over the place, asking the meaning of things, falling over herself all the time. At least, that's what everyone saw right?

We both laid in the grass, away from all the ruckus and just looked up at the stars.

It felt quiet there, and so beautiful. And she was calm, and she was intelligent, thoughtful, everything you never thought was there. We had one of the best conversations I can remember, we shared so much about ourselves, it was surreal. She told me things she had never spoken to another person, and I did the same. It felt so relaxing for once. Taking off the mask.

Not that I'm wearing a mask around you, but I feel like there are a lot of things I don't share. I don't share it with anyone. Recently, I've felt a great deal of information wanting to break out of me, I don't know how to handle it.

I've been posting a lot of really strange blogs on here, and none of them make much sense. The language and desire to share is lost between all the ramblings and hurry to be rid of the thought. They feel silly and immature to me. It's just not right. It's not coming out the way I want.

Anyway, I'm sitting up right now. Not doing anything in particular, but feeling like I have something to do. You know where you're telling yourself, "Get off the computer, time for bed, there is nothing left to do, you don't need to be up this late for nothing, sleep please." But you just can't...something left unfinished. You spend hours trying to find what it is, but you never do until you can barely keep your eyes open.

I feel like this is it.

I was thinking. About all the things I want, need, to share.
And I was thinking, wouldn't it be lovely if I were having one of those late night conversations with Trung right now?

That would have been lovely.

Oh Trung, why did we have to be the opposite gender? I feel like this couldn't be allowed to happen, even though your glaringly obvious attraction to men. You still have the tool that could result in my pregnancy, therefore, I doubt either parental unit would be okay with it.

Bah. Who knows.

I guess maybe I could post a secret a night? Or we could exchange secrets or something? Or stories, or profound thoughts and the like. I mean, we pretty much do this now, but there is just something about not holding back in the dark while you struggle to stay awake in the world of reality before slipping away to dreamland.

They are waiting for me I suppose...

Hmmm. Sometimes I feel like the only time the real me ever surfaces is at this hour of night...
No one sees who I think I am. I am in my head. I go to sleep with the image of me every night.
But I believe there is a time...where I'm ready to close the book on the day, and the Sophia I think I am is stirring awake from her fantasy ride and we become one for the briefest of moments.

And that's when the best conversations happen.

Good night sweetheart, and pleasant dreams kiddo.

I'll wave goodbye in the morning.