Love and All Her Friends!

So. Wayside School. Do you remember those books?

Here's a line I read the other day that I was completely shocked about.
"You need a reason to be sad, you don't need a reason to be happy."

Whooooaaaa. How true is that? I wish I could understand that the first time I read it, like, 10 years ago.

Anyway. I haven't written one of these in forever (not like I ever really got the hang of it), so it's probably going to be a bit choppy. With all. The dramatic periods. Like. --->.

So! There's a few things I've been fuming (not exactly, but I really wanted to use that word) about and it's about time I leave something on this blog.

Act 1:

My extended family thinks I'm a lesbian.
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Not that there is anything wrong with BEING a lesbian, but the fact that I'm not and the reason they think so is what is disheartening.
See, it started with my uncle Rob. He would incessantly harass me about 'boyfriends' and the like all throughout middle and high school. I would always kindly tell him I didn't have one, nor did I particularly want one. So he'd pinch me and go, "But you need to practice and gain experience!". I'd always wonder, what the hell exactly did I need practicing for? What would I need experience for? (more on this below)
Years later, and just a few months ago my second cousin Shyla who is only 13 years old starts referencing my "miserable future with my girlfriend" and snidely explains to her siblings that "Sophie doesn't BELIEVE in boys." 13 years old, and already she thinks having a boyfriend is all your life should ever amount to.
I know already that my life doesn't make much sense to most people, I have to fight over this idea of mine all the time. But the fact is, my extended family (and most people for that matter) think there is something wrong with me because I have not had any intention of dating yet.
I mean, geeeez that can't be normal at all right? A straight girl not wanting to date? WHO DOES THAT? Well no one, so she must be a lesbian. (It's sad that 'being gay' is thought of as an excuse or reason for deviant behavior....but I know you already have to fight this enough yourself).
Actually, I was discussing Shyla's remarks with my parents over dinner and they were pretty upset over it. But it was funny, because when I was explaining why I didn't want a boyfriend right now, I also casually mentioned the fact that there were quite a few men I was already interested in. My parents both looked at me, a little shocked, and said, "Really?"

;]

The thing is, I haven't decided if love is something another person can truly give you. It's something that is inside all of us already, so why is it that we assume it must be given for us to receive it?

One of my friends today was telling me about how "fast her heart was racing" and she was incredibly giddy and just so fantastically happy. But that is all 100% her. Those are feelings she created herself, feelings that have been inside her all along. We try to attribute these feelings to someone else, we give them credit. How could some other person possibly have so much control over how our bodies react? Am I the only one who feels that we allow ourselves to feel this way?
What does someone mean when they say, "I feel loved?"
I feel love all of the time, I try to tell people when I feel love by saying things like "I love you" but that doesn't share exactly what I am feeling with that person. They simply know what I am feeling is love.

So I don't know, I guess for me, I am in love. I am in love with myself, my family, my job, my chin( Seriously, even if I say mean things about it, it is all out of love ;]) and whatever else. I feel love when I see someone smiling, I feel love when I listen to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom soundtrack, I just feel it. "My heart races" and I get a big goofy grin. Sometimes I even cry tears of joy.

And there is no one who gave me that love but myself. It's all inside of me, and I know I'm perfectly allowed to feel it even when I'm not with a significant other.

I would certainly like to share my love with someone someday, but I don't need anyone. If and when it happens, it will. But until than, I just really don't care. ;]

And if that makes me a lesbian in the eyes of my extended family, well than whatever. I just hope they aren't disappointed than when I don't come out with a girlfriend in my entire life.

<3

Which brings it all back to uncle Rob.

What exactly do I need practice and experience for?
Love?

Maybe next time I should ask him about what he thinks a relationship is. :D

And lastly, I love you Trung!